


Das Wasser soll dein Spiegel sein

by Jo_Si



Category: Rammstein
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Death Threats, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Rehabilitation, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-05-12 23:25:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14737796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jo_Si/pseuds/Jo_Si
Summary: Richard/Paul - AU ficWhen everything went wrong in Richards life he soon finds himself in drug rehab, still being haunted by problems and mistakes of his past. That's when handsome male nurse Paul Landers enters his life and changes it in more than just one way.





	1. First day

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally decided to post this as my first story on AO3. I never wrote anything Rammstein related before and certainly never wrote any fanfiction in English since it's not my native language, so please go easy on me.  
> This story is set in 1995, so imagine the guys a lot younger than they actually are right now. The title is from the song 'Alter Mann' of the Album 'Sehnsucht' from 1997. Translated it means something like: 'The water sould be your mirror'.  
> Just a little heads up: This story will contain some serious and sensitive subjects, just so you know. It's nothing too graphic but still I wanted to warn you beforehand.  
> Please let me know what you think since I'm relatively new to this. Also feel free to correct false English, that would be very helpful to me because I'm not a hundred percent sure about everything. Hope you enjoy.

"Welcome." This was the short word Richard was welcomed with by the headmaster of the drug rehabilitation center.  
It was early on Monday and the sky was covered with thick grey clouds that looked like they were going to send of rain above the city of Berlin at any moment.  
The gloomy atmosphere outside was a perfect match with Richards mood: grey, cold and quiet. Without knowing when the sun is going to shine again. Or better IF it will shine again.

On a day like this, Monday morning at 10:00 a.m., Richard would most likely be drunk and high, laying in his bed like shit surrounded by empty beer bottles and overfilled ashtrays. But not today. Today was a new beginning. Or the beginning of the end, as Richard would put it himself.  
The "Zentrum für Drogentherapie Berlin", a drug rehabilitation center, would be Richards new home from now on. That's if you can call a place like this 'home'. And he didn't even know how much time he would have to spend in there at last. Half a year was his verdict in court. But that's another story.

Richard didn't even attempt to react to the welcoming words of the headmaster. Instead he just kept his head bowed, staring stubbornly at his feet. The white clothing of the clinic that patients had to wear were a couple inches to large and felt itchy. The black shoes he had to wear had no laces. "We don't wanna take risks", they had told Richard. With other words: 'they think I'm suicidal and about to hang myself', Richard thought to himself.

The headmaster didn't seem to wait for an answer anymore given that Richard had been silent since he was brought here about half an hour ago. Instead the headmaster just kept on talking: "We already familiarized you with our roules and our expectations. You will have enough time to make yourself comfortable in our clinic. Nurse Riedel will bring you to your room now. If there are any questions at anytime don't hesitate to ask."

Again Richard didn't answer or even lifted his head to make eye contact. He didn't even know what to think so how was he supposed to talk? He just felt nervous, the lack of drugs or alcohol in his system were already causing him phychological and physical symptoms. Richard struggled with controlling the constant trembling of his hands, the dizziness in his head and the feeling of warm and cold in his body at the very same time. To put it simple: he was a total mess. Right now he would probaply do anything for just one line of his precious coke. But this was a dream he had to say goodbye to for the next couple months or so.

Richard heard the door open and somebody entering. He heard a male nurse talking to the headmaster but he didn't pay any attention to what they were actually saying. Instead he kept himself busy with studying every facette of the white wall behind the headmasters head to distract himself from his bloody desire for some coke. But honestly, there was no point in trying even. But then again, was there any point in anything in Richards life right now?

"Follow me please", Richard heard the male nurse saying who was suddenly standing right next to him. When Richard glanced around the room he realized that the headmaster was now gone. When did he leave? Well, who cares.  
Instead of thinking about that he turned his body slightly towards the nurse to signalize his understanding. Just a quick glance at this nurse guy outed him to be tall and lean, no hair and bearded, and he seemed to have a similar opinion than the headmaster so he didn't wait for an answer and just went ahead without another word. But he was friendly enough to hold the door open for Richard to walk through.

The corridors seemed to be endless and the echo of the footsteps taken sounded deafening. 'Like walking to your own execution', Richard thought in silence. He risked to lift his head up for a moment to look at the grey floor and the white walls. It seemed to be the look of this entire building: cold and gloomy. At least the windows weren't barred. But Richard doubted that those windows could actually be opened.

They stopped in a big saloon. Tables were put in three long lines in there and a big buffet table was in the front where some people were currently putting food on.  
"This is the dining room. You are going to have breakfast, lunch and dinner in here along with everyone else", the nurse explained in a soft tone of voice. Then he looked at the watch on his wrist and added: "Lunchtime is in two hours. Do you already know mealtimes?" Richard nodded. "Well then, let's move to the next room", the nurse said and started walking again.

He showed Richard the washing rooms (community washrooms, much to Richards horror), a little ward for emergencies, a library and a big community room with couches, a billiard table and a television even. At least this room held a little warmth in it. After the little tour through the clinic the nurse guy brought Richard out to one of those long, gloomy corridors again and then stopped in front of a white metal door with the number 20 on it.

"This will be your room", the nurse said when he had opened the door. Richard took a step in and glanced around shortly. A bed, a nightstand, a locker and a little desk with a chair. The floor grey and the wall white like everywhere else. With an expressionless face Richard took it all in and then wordlessly turned back to the tall nurse guy, still avoiding any sort of eye contact.

"Now, there is not much for you to do apart form making your bed and maybe take another look at the building on your own. You will have lunch in an hour with everyone else in the dining room, then you're free to do whatever you'd like for the rest of the day until dinner. Night rest is at 20.00 p.m..", the nurse guy explained shortly and then left Richard in his room with one final goodbye.

\-------------------------------------------------------

Richard didn't make is bed. He knew he wouldn't get much sleep anyway. At lunch he did as he was told and went to the dining room. Potatos with spinach and scrambled eggs and it didn't even smell bad but Richard just used his fork to poke in his food and stared off in space. It was at this very moment when Richard felt someone staring at him. Normally he wouldn't have minded since he was new in this place and everybody was curious about him but something he couldn't quite explain made him wanna look up in this moment. And that's what he did. 

His eyes landed on a man who had to be around Richards age. He stood in a corner on the other side of the dining room und was leaning with his back against the wall, feet crossed. His clothing told Richard that this guy had to be a nurse and he seemed to be the same hight than Richard himself, maybe a little smaller. He had short, blond dyed hair and a soft, clean shaved face. His eyes were blue and when he looked at Richard from across the room Richard felt like this guy could see straight into his soul. The eye contact, the first Richard had made with anyone since gotten in, lasted a couple of seconds and then the man flashed Richard with the brightest smile Richard had ever seen in his entire life. Richard had to look away and swollow hard. This man really was handsome. No, not handsome. Beautiful. He was beautiful.

Richard tried his best not to look at the man again and to keep his head bowed but he just couldn't resist to risk a second glance in his direction. The man was still smiling and most importantly he was still looking at him. Then the man turned his head to another guy who was standing by his side, the tall nurse guy who had brought Richard to his room earlier. The beautiful man whispered something into the tall guys ear who then looked at Richard too, stortly as it was, before he turned his head back again and whispered something back. Even with this amount of distance between them it was clear to Richard that those men were talking about him. That made him feel very uneasy so he looked away again and didn't risk another glance at them for the rest of lunch. Richard even attempted to swallow a little bit of the food in front of him, mainly because he wanted to distract himself from the staring he could still feel on himself.

When lunchtime was over Richard stood up from his table and, without looking up another time went straight into his room where he laid on top of his bed and stared up at the ceiling.  
The next time he got up after that was to get to the dining room once more for dinner. The beautiful man/nurse was present again and again Richard could feel his eyes burning holes into his head but he didn't look up even once this time. Instead he forced himself to swallow a small portion of food and then again went straight into his room and resumed his previous position in bed.

When night time came his room was beginning to slowly darken but despite his tiredness Richard still couldn't get himself to sleep. His mind kept dwelling on everything that had went wrong in the last couple years of his life and apart from those depressing thoughts his mind also kept wandering back to this beautiful man he had seen in the dining room twice this day.


	2. Meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already wrote most part of this story so the updates should be rather quick. I'm pretty sure this whole thing is going to have 12 chapters in total. I hope you enjoy this one.

When daylight was finally breaking through the clouds above Berlin the next morning Richard was standing tiredly at the window and watched the world outside, not having slept the whole night like expected. Even without any bars at the windows or handcuffs around his wrists Richard was already feeling like a prisoner after only one day in the clinic. He would love to go on a walk around the Tiergarten nearby and get some fresh air. Not that he had ever done something like that before, especially not at this early hour, but now that there was no chance to do so the urge to do it became almost painful.

A soft knock on the door pulled Richard out of his thoughts. He turned around right in time to watch a male nurse stepping into his room. But it wasn't just any nurse: it was this exact handsome nurse guy Richard had seen the day before at lunchtime and dinner in the dining room.  
"Hello Richard. I'm Paul, one of the nurses in here", the man said right before he shook his head, laughing at himself. "Well, of course I'm a nurse here, what else would I be? But I guess you already figured that much out by yourself."  
Richard just kept staring at this nurse guy, or Paul apparently, in mild confusion. From close up this guy was even more handsome and his laughing face with all those wrinkles around his eyes and his mouth was one of the most beautiful sights Richard had ever laid eyes on. Even his voice affected Richard in a very pleasant way.

Still Richard kept his face passive and expressionless and the laughing of this nurse guy Paul died down shortly after but he still kept smiling warmly at him.  
"You are Richard, right?", he asked as if checking he was right. Richard nodded wordlessly and realised that this guys eyes weren't just plain blue but mixed up with a faint shade of grey. They were beautiful nonetheless.  
"You've got a meeting with Dr. Schneider in twenty minutes. I'm going to bring you to his office", nurse Paul explained.  
Right, the meeting. This doctor was supposed to help Richard to get over his addiction. 'Nobody can help me', Richard thought bitterly. Impossible. And why though? Not the doctor or anyone else for the matter could ever understand Richards situation.

"Hey, you haven't made your bed yet", Paul said, pulling Richard out of his thoughts once more. "How the hell did you sleep last night?"  
And again Richard just stared wordlessly at this handsome man not knowing what to say. The nurses face was curious and maybe even a bit worried. Richard wasn't sure. Not that he would have cared anyway. Or would he?  
After some moments had passed silently Paul sighed but still kept smiling and said: "Let me help you with that."  
Then his walked past Richard up to his bed and grabbed the pillow and the blanket which were still placed on the nightstand next to the bed. This Paul guy left the door slightly open and for a short moment Richard thought about taking the chance and trying to escape. But soon he decided against it thinking he wouldn't even get that far since the staff of the clinic were everywhere in the building and they would surely hold him back.

So instead he turned around to watch Paul making his bed for him and he couldn't help but get even more confused with this guy. 'Why is he doing this? Is he just a nice, caring guy? Or does he have ulterior motives?' Richard asked himself suspiciously while watching him.  
When Paul was done with the bed he looked up at Richard again. He hesitated a moment before asking: "Will you at least tell me how you are feeling today?"  
'How am I supposed to feel?', Richard thought to himself but didn't have it in him to give such a rude answer to a guy who was seemingly trying to be nice. So he just looked at him and answered: "Good."  
It was his first word spoken since he was brought into the clinic and it was a straight up lie. But what was he supposed to say?  
Paul was silent for a couple of moments and just looked at Richard intently who felt once more like this guy could see through his eyes straight into his soul. Then Paul answered: "Sure", but didn't sound convinced even the slightest bit. Apparently he realised to keep nagging about it wasn't going to make Richard talk. Good.

Paul then walked past Richard again to the door behind him and said: "Now let's get you to your meeting with Dr. Schneider. He doesn't like people not being on time. He's very German, you know?"  
Paul laughed a bit and his smile brightened when he realised he had made Richard smile too ever so faintly. Richard followed Paul through the corridors and every now and then he would try to catch a glimpse at him and every time he was left in wonder about this man's beauty. And on top of that this guy even seemed to be friendly, nice and funny. Still Richard wasn't sure how to trust this attitude so he decided to keep his distance. It's what was safest most of the time.

Paul brought him into a separated part of the building with grey floor and white walls again. The front part was a waiting room with a couple of chairs to sit in and the back part seemed to be where the doctors office would be.  
Paul sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting room and when he saw Richard was still standing awkwardly in front of him he smiled warmly and said: "Come on, sit down. It's going to be a couple of minutes until Dr. Schneider arrives." Richard still hesitated a bit before he decided to stop being ridiculous and sat down in a chair. But still he left one chair free as a gap between him and Paul and when Paul realised that he didn't comment on it apart from a little smile that almost seemed sad this time.

They were waiting in silence and even though it seemed like Paul wanted to talk to Richard he kept his quiet. After a couple more awkward minutes a tall man with short curly brown hair and piercing blue eyes, wearing a long white doctors coat came up saying: "Richard Kruspe."  
His voice was friendly but firm. Richard stood up from his chair and nodded without making eye contact again. As a matter of fact he hadn't made eye contact with anyone so far except from Paul.  
"Come with me", the doctor said and Richard was about to follow him to his back office when Paul interrupted: "I'm going to pick you up here when your done, Richard."  
Richard watched his smiling face for longer than he probably should have and then just nodded wordlessly again before following the doctor.

The meeting took an hour and couldn't have been more unnecessary in Richards opinion. Dr. Schneider kept asking him questions about how Richard felt and if he was feeling the urge to take drugs again and so on, blah blah. Richard of course hadn't even answered one question and kept staring out of the window stubbornly, avoiding the doctors gaze constantly.  
Soon Dr. Schneider seemed to have enough and said the meeting was over but not before telling Richard he wanted to see him again in two days, same time. Richard didn't know for what reason because not in two days or two weeks, months or years even he would talk to anyone about his life or his feelings. But if the doctor wanted to waste his time so badly it really wasn't Richards problem.

When Richard went back into the waiting room Paul was standing there waiting for him as promised. It caused Richard a short moment of warmth inside, thinking that someone had actually kept his word. He wasn't used to that at all so it was really nice for a change.  
When Paul saw Richard emerging he smiled brightly at him and said: "There you are again! You know, breakfast time is already over but I'm sure you must be hungry as hell and so am I. So why don't you and I go get our breakfast together, huh?"  
Richard looked at him with raised eyebrows and hesitated, not knowing if he should agree to that. Maybe this guy would turn out to be too curious. On the other hand what was the harm? Paul had been friendly enough until this point and Richard could imagine worse than spending a Tuesday morning eating breakfast with a handsome guy like this.  
So Richard agreed with a quiet "Okay", the second word he had spoken since his arrival, and was rewarded with an almost blinding bright smile of Paul that took Richards breath away once again.  
"Well then, let's go", Paul exclaimed happily and walked Richard into the almost empty dining room. 'Well, so much for taking a distance', Richard thought to himself with a sigh as he followed Paul into the saloon.


	3. Breakfast

Nothing was left on the buffet table but thanks to Paul being a nurse the cook was willing to make some extra toast with scrambled eggs and a cup of coffee for both of them. While waiting for their breakfast they sat down at a table facing each other.  
"So, do you enjoy the food here?", Paul asked, seemingly to strike up a conversation. Richard shrugged his shoulders: "It's okay". In response to that Paul laughed and started talking: "That's because you're new here. Just wait until you try the scrambled eggs, they never leave it in the pan long enough so it's like half raw. And the toast is almost black. I mean why even roast it that much? And on top of that I also heard black toast isn't that healthy, I heard it can cause cancer. Can you believe that? And I really don't want to deal with cancer, I'm way to young for that. Well, not that I'd ever want to have to deal with cancer in my life... well I guess you understand what I'm trying to say", Paul said and then laughed again.

Pauls rambling got cut off when their food was brought to their table and Paul thanked the old lady with a charming smile and a friendly "Thank you so much", whilst Richard settled for a simple nod of his head. Then he took his mug in his hand and took a sip of his coffee only to immediately grimace in distaste.  
Paul saw that face and asked: "Something wrong with your coffee?", and Richard answered: "It's too weak." That's when Pauls face lit up in realization: "Oh, that's my coffee. You know, capuccino often is too strong for my tastes and milk coffee is too weak so I like to drink some sort of weak capuccino with much milk or just a stronger milk coffee", Paul explained enthusiastically while changing the mugs. "I don't get why any person would like to drink their coffee black anyway, I just get a stomach ache and that's it." He laughed again, then inspected the food on his plate and continued: "See, the toast is completely black on this side. And the scrambled eggs are almost raw, you see? It's almost fluid." To prove his point he took his fork to poke in his food. "But maybe I should just stop complaining, souldn't I? I mean we're certainly not in some noble restaurant and as long as I don't get food poisoning I'm not going to die. I hope so at least."

Richard was slightly taken aback by the talktivness of this men but even more surprising to him was that he didn't mind his chatter one bit. In fact he rather liked it and that was strange since Richard normally got annoyed with people talking nonstop.  
But instead of saying anything Richard just ate a few bites of his food before he lifted his gaze up to Paul who was already looking back at him with a little smile on his face again. "Well, I think I'm talking way too much about food right now. So why don't we change the subject? Let's talk about more personal stuff to get to know each other a bit better."

Richards face instantly became sceptical. Personal stuff wasn't anything Richard prefered to talk about and Paul seemed to sense that because he then said: "Don't worry, this isn't supposed to be some sort of interrogation or anything, just an easy conversation. I'm going to start if you'd like." It only took him a very short moment before he started to introduce himself to Richard: "So, I'm Paul Landers and I'm 31 years old. My birthday is on December 9th, not long before Christmas. That was a very good thing during my younger days, by the way, getting lots of presents on my birthday and then getting even more presents just a couple of days later on Christmas. So when you're young there's basically nothing more wonderful than having birthday in December", Paul started to ramble again and Richard just listened with some sort of amusement. This Paul really was a little chatter box and Richard thought this fact made the other man cute and even charming.

Meanwhile Paul kept on talking: "Talking about my younger days. I was born and raised here in Berlin and I've spend most of my life here. I love this city, it really has it's very own character, you know? And all the people living here a pretty special themselves but in a good way. I wouldn't mind spending my whole long life here. Still I would like to visit other countries for holiday somtimes. When I was a kid I lived in Russia for one year because of my parents jobs but apart from that I didn't really get around that much. I would love to go to America one day. Back in the GDR America was always the forbidden country, maybe that's why this country is so appealing to me. I would love to see some sights there, like the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. But especially the music there is something the catched my interest from very early on. There are so many cool bands there, like Kiss or Korn for example. And not long ago I've heard about this band called Metallica and they are really awesome too. I would love to visit a concert of those guys someday."  
Once more Paul cut off his rambling rather abruptly because this time he catched Richards amused facial expression and that's when Paul laughed a little embarrassed and said: "Oh God, I'm really talking without taking a breath, right? I'm really sorry Richard but I can't help myself. I'm just hoping I'm not boring the shit out of you right now."

Richard shook his had in response and answered a little emarrassed himself: "That's not a problem. I like listening to you." Hearing that Pauls smile became so bright that his eyes started to shine too and Richard just kept on talking in order to stop staring at this beautiful man too awkwardly: "I went to America not long ago." And that's when Pauls eyes nearly popped out of his head in surprise and Richard couldn't help but smile at that expression. "Really? You went to America?", Paul asked in astonishment like he still couln't believe what he had just heard. Richard nodded. "Where have you been?" "California. Los Angeles", Richard explained.

Paul looked at Richard expectantly and when Richard didn't get the hint Paul rolled his eyes and huffed out, although without any real annoyance: "Well tell me, how was it? Did you meet some famous musicians? Or some famous Hollywood star? LA is supposed to be full of them or so I heard. And did you visit the Santa Monica Pier? I saw it in a couple of movies and ever since then I wanted to go there in real life one day."  
Richard smiled faintly and waited patiently for Paul to stop talking so he could share his experience. When it happened he told Paul: "America was interesting. I went there three years ago with a very good friend of mine. We visited the States especially to absorb the music scene there since we hadn't had a chance to enjoy it back in the GDR. But no, we didn't meet any famous musicians or Hollywood stars. And we actually didn't just visit LA, it was more like a roadtrip with an old car visiting city after city. And I indeed visited the Santa Monica Pier and it was beautiful. It all was very beautiful and interesting in America but also kind of scary because I didn't speak a word of English apart from 'yes' and 'no'. I still don't but luckily my friend had some basic English skills so we managed to get around. And the weather was always fantastic."

It was by far the longest Richard had spoken since he was here and it all came out very naturally with Paul. A little nostalgically Richard thought about all those happy memories of him and Till visiting the forbidden country. Back then Richards world was fine and whole. But shorly after returning to Germany something bad happened and that's when things started turning for the worst in Richards life. It's always like this, one bad event causes another and it becomes some sort of a vicious circle and before you know it you're stuck in a drug rehabilitation center. At least that's how it went for Richard.

Richard tried to shake of those bad thoughts and concentrated on Pauls face. And without a doubt he instantly felt a little better when looking into his smiling face.  
"I gotta tell you, that sounds SO cool. Actually I'm putting money aside for quite some time now to fulfill my dream someday and finally go to America."  
Then both men went quiet for a short amount of time and then it was Paul again to break it: "And what did you say earlier? About not enjoying American music too much in GDR? So you too were raised there?" Their food was already consumed by now so they were just sitting at the table facing each other and talking.

"Well yeah, I am indeed from the GDR but not from Berlin. I was born in Wittenberge but was raised mostly in Schwerin", Richard explained a little timidly. This sort of conversations when he had to talk about himself and give out information weren't easy for Richard. To say he had trust issues was an understatement. Paul didn't seem to notice Richards hesitancy and kept asking: "And music was also important to you back then? What kind of music do you listen to?"  
"My favourite band of all time is defenetly Kiss, it's always been. But there are other pretty cool bands too, Matallica like you said or Deep Purple. And right now I really enjoy listening to Depeche Mode and David Bowie too."  
"It's a short way from Kiss to Depeche Mode", Paul said jokingly and managed to get a little laugh out of Richard again.  
"Well, maybe it's a little far away from each other but I don't see a point in getting stuck in one specific genre. I prefer Rock about anything but still I try to be open minded and give other musicians fair chances as well. Apart from this boring pop music you hear on the radio every fucking day. It just makes me sick, you know?" Richard added and Paul laughed in agreement.

Then Paul looked at the big watch on the wall of the dining room and sighed before saying: "I really hate to say this Richard but I gotta go now. I've got a meeting in a couple of minutes and apart from that I'm here to work and make my living out of it so I can't just sit on my butt all day talking to you as much as I would love to do that", and then he smiled warmly at Richard again.  
Richard was surprised when he felt a pang of sadness thinking about Paul having to leave. It was almost frightening how easily this guy brought Richard out of his shell in such a short amount of time and engaged him in an easy conversation.

But of course Richard didn't say any of that stuff and tried not to let the sadness show on his face. Instead he just nodded his head and raised from his seat the same time Paul did.  
"Do you want to go the cummunity room? Or get some fresh air in the yard outside? The weather is surprisingly good today", Paul asked when leading Richard out of the dining room. Richard thought about that but quickly decided against it knowing that he didn't wanna be surrounded by too many people in the community room. He also didn't want to hang out outside right know without being able to go wherever he wanted to go.  
That's why he said: "No, I'm just gonna head back to my room and sleep a little." Paul looked at him and smiled: "As you wish Richard. I'm going to take you there if you don't mind." Richard smiled at that and just shook his head at Paul, letting him know that he didn't mind.

The walk through the corridors to Richards room passed in pleasant silence and when they reached his door Richard turned to Paul once more. He didn't really know what to say but he didn't have to because Paul did the job once more: "It was really nice talking to you Richard. You know, I don't have any more time today but why don't you visit me in the community room tomorrow? I'm in supervision there tomorrow evening from two to four p.m.. That's only if you want to, of course", Paul addad and smiled shyly but expectantly at Richard.  
Richard nodded with a smile and then turned around to open the door to his room but before he could walk through it Paul asked: "Wait. Does that mean you are going to visit me or not?" Richard just looked at Paul silently for a moment before answering: "Let me surprise you." Then he closed his door.  
But instantly after stepping into his room the coldness and lonliness crept under his skin and Richard almost opened his door again to ask Paul if he could stay with him for a bit longer but then he shook his head thinking about how ridiculous that sounded. Still Richard was now sure that he was gonna visit Paul tomorrow. He just had to see him again.


	4. Musical Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there are some news. I decided to extend this story because I want the characters and the whole story to have a lot more depth. As a result there will be more that 12 chapters. Also I can't guarantee for quick uploads anymore because I have to write a lot more new stuff now. But I think it will be worth it in the end.  
> Hope you enjoy!

When Richard stepped into the community room the next day he instantly gazed around, looking for Paul and when he spotted him sitting on a small couch in one quiet corner of the room with a book in his hands Richard stopped in his tracks and took a moment to take a good look at the man unnoticed.  
Richard never considered himself a gay man. Truthfully he was more into women although he didn't oppose little adventures with men before. But Paul was something else entirely. It wasn't about heterosexuality or homosexuality at all. There was just one thing you had to be to recognize the pure beauty of this man: not blind.  
The innocent childlike face, the fine beard stubble, the perfect wrinkles around his mouth, the short bleach-blonde hair fitting him perfectly, those nice silver earrings and his body, lean but not without the definition of muscles, just like Richard liked it. Everytime he laid eyes on the smaller man Richard was totally blown away and he didn't know whether he liked this reaction or not.

Since Paul had asked him to visit Richard decided not to hesitate longer than necessary. He slowly started walking towards him, hoping the other man would see him approaching but that didn't happen. So Richard was standing in front of Paul without being noticed and Richard cleard his throat a little awkwardly to gain his attention.

It worked and Pauls eyes instantly snapped up and the moment he recognized Richard a brilliant smile spread across his face and the honesty in it led Richard to believe the other man really was happy to see him.  
"Richard! It's so good to see you again! I almost thought you wouldn't show up", Paul greeted Richard happily. Richard grinned, being catched by Pauls cheerfulness so he said teasingly: "You know your on supervision here? So you probably shouldn't get so distracted you don't notice a guy standing right in front of you anymore." Richard was relieved when Paul laughed in a very relaxed manner and answered: "Now who's talking? I'm in total control of what I am doing, so don't worry about me!"  
Then Paul patted the place on the couch next to him to signalize Richard to sit down which he did. "What are you reading anyway?", Richard asked when he sat comfortably next to the other man.  
"'The Tragedy of King Lear'", Paul answered with a warm smile and pointed at the cover of the book like he had to prove his words.  
"Shakespeare? I'm not surprised", Richard said, not unkindly. The corners of Pauls mouth twitched in amusement and he asked: "What's that supposed to mean?"  
"You appear to be a romantic", Richard explained, not putting any judgement in his words and Paul didn't seem to take offence in them, he just said: "I am, thank you. And if you don't mind me saying, you don't look like a romantic at all."  
Richard laughed: "I don't mind and you guessed right. And I don't have to be because I don't like Shakespeare."  
"Then why do you know he was the one who wrote 'King Lear'?", Paul asked curiously and Richard just said dismissively: "An ex-girlfriend of mine was totally into that stuff but it just wasn't for me."

In response to that last statement Pauls smile disappeared and was replaced by a frown and an almost disappointed face. Richard looked at Paul in confusion, not knowing the reason for the sudden change of mood: "Did I say something wrong?", Richard asked and Paul quickly shook his head: "No no, you didn't. Everything's fine", he said and smiled but it didn't reach his eyes like usual and that confused Richard even more but he decided not to keep questioning him. He himself didn't like people asking too many questions so he didn't want to do it to others either.  
So he just changed the subject: "So why did you want me to visit you?" Paul looked at Richard and he seemingly didn't understand the question: "What?"  
"You asked me to visit you here, Paul. So I am asking myself: Why is that?", Richard repeated patiently with a small smirk. Paul smiled warmly again and shrugged: "Because I wanted to see you again. Isn't that enough?"  
Richard was amused with that answer: "Sure it is. And may I mention that I am very flattered." And Paul laughed again with all honesty and said: "You better be! I'm the romantic here after all."  
Richard couldn't help himself but laugh again. Today he already laughed more than the whole last month. Paul was defenetly good and funny company.  
Paul kept on talking when Richard didn't reply verbally, to keep the conversation going: "Since Shakespeare is not your thing we can put this aside. But luckily I already prepared a backup plan so we won't get bored today. Come on, follow me", Paul said and stood up.  
"But you're on supervision", Richard asked a little uncertainly but Paul just said: "Ollie's here too and he knows it all so don't worry. It's my responsibility." And although Richard was a little confused he still followed Paul without anymore hesitancy.

Paul let Richard out of the community room into the corridors and through some different hallways, finally stopping in front of a big glass door. "Those a the offices of the nurses", Paul explained when looking into Richards questioning face. But that didn't put a stop to Richards confusion so he asked: "And what am I doing here?"  
"I told you I had a backup plan. It's in my office", Paul explained smiling while he held the door open for Richard to walk through. Richard followed Paul into his office, surprisingly not walking past any other nurse on the way. He still was a little confused: "And this is allowed?"  
Now Paul was the one to be confused: "What?" "Me, being here", Richard clarified. "Sure it is. Or did you hear anything different?", Paul reassured him, smiling again.  
They finally stepped into a very small office. There was just one small desk with lots of loose paper on it on the right side of the room and a locker on the other side. Richard took a look at the sporadic furnished room but his head snapped up when he heard Paul closing the door behind them.  
"Leave it open", Richard demanded a little rudely and Paul looked at him in surprise but obeyed without a word of complain. He opened the door again, although just slightly and then said: "I'm sorry."  
Richard nodded. He didn't like small rooms with closed doors. His own room in the clinic was a little bigger at least so Richards claustrophobia wasn't as bad as it could be in there but this office was way too small to tolerate a closed door. Still Richard didn't want to explain himself to Paul and when Paul realised that he wouldn't get an explanation he just went past Richard without another word, opening the door to his locker.

Richard was surprised once more when he watched Paul taking an acoustic guitar out of it. "You have a guitar?", he asked in astonishment.  
"You noticed?", Paul replied teasingly and then sat down halfway on his desk and put the guitar on his lap.  
"And you play too?", Richard asked ignoring Pauls teasing. Without permission he sat down in Pauls desk chair but Paul didn't seem to mind since he didn't comment on it and instead said: "What other reason could I have for owning a guitar?" Again he teasingly smiled.  
Then Paul started playing a nice melody, one that Richard didn't recognize but he liked it nonetheless. It wasn't something complicated, just an easy riff of a perhabs aggressive rock song and since it was Richards prefered taste of music he enjoyed listening very much.  
"I don't know that song", Richard commented while listening to Paul. "I would be surprised if you did", Paul said, looking up at Richard but he didn't stop playing and without looking down he didn't even falter on one accord. Richard was impressed. Paul really was good.  
"It's an original", Paul explained. "So you write too?", Richard asked and couldn't hide the admiration he held for Paul in that moment. Pauls eyes shined when he replied: "Yeah, but I didn't write it on my own. A friend helped me. We played in a band together."  
"So you have a band?", Richard asked excited but Pauls expression was now stricken when he answered: "I had one."

Richard excitement also vanished when he saw that wounded look on Pauls face, so not typical for this always smiling man. The last accords of the song were played and then the little office went silent. Richard didn't know what to say because he didn't know what was going on with Paul and apart from that Richard wasn't very empathic either so he just stayed silent and looked at Paul carefully.  
Paul was silent for a couple of moments and looked at the ground before he lifted his head up again and sighed. Then he smiled warily and said: "It has been awhile. It didn't end well."  
Richard nodded and tried to make Paul feel better by doing something very uncharacteristically: He talked about himself: "I had a band either. We started fighting so it was over rather quickly. Stuff like that happens, it's no big deal."  
Paul nodded in return and said in a somber tone of voice: "Yeah, no big deal." Now Richard thought he said something terribly stupid and he already scolded himself mentally for not shutting up but then, all of the sudden, Pauls face lit up and he said: "You played in a band too? So your playing an instrument?"  
"Sure thing", Richard said, relieved. "Which one?" "Guitar, as it happens." "Really? Oh my god, that's so cool! You want to play?" Paul held out his guitar for Richard but he hesitated and asked: "You'd let me?", but then Paul just shoved the instrument into his arms and said excitedly: "I insist!"

Richard smiled and thought for a moment before he started to play the accords of 'Walking in My Shoes' of Depeche Mode, a song which was very personal to Richard because of the lyrics. Paul listened in interest with a constant smile on his face and Richard was beyond surprised when Paul started to sing the chorus, his soft voice a perfect match to the rather melanconic sound of the song:

Now I'm not looking for absolution  
Forgiveness for the things I do  
But before you come to any conclusions  
Try walking in my shoes  
Try walking in my shoes

Richard listened to Paul in admiration again and couldn't resist to join in, singing the second chorus along with Paul:

I’m not looking for a clearer conscience  
Peace of mind after what I’ve been through  
And before we talk of any repentance  
Try walking in my shoes  
Try walking in my shoes

When the song was finished both men looked into each other eyes in silence and Richard felt an odd click in his heart. It almost felt like something inside him connected to Paul when they sang together.  
Paul finally broke through the silence saying: "We should start a band together. We're so badass!" Richard just laughed nervously, trying desperatly not to show his true emotions on his face. And he really hoped that it worked because there was no way he wanted Paul to know that Richard now felt a connection towards him, deep inside his heart. Paul would be totally weirded out by that, Richard was sure of it. 'It was just a song, god dammit! Got a hold of yourself', Richard scolded himself, shaking his head.

Both men stayed some more time in Pauls office, playing guitar and talking about various stuff but mostly music. When it got late Paul brought Richard back to his room just like the day before. They decided to meet up at the community room again given that Paul was on supervision again in there the next day.  
When Richard finally was alone in his room his sat down on his bed, still overwhelmed by the emotions he was feeling right now. He didn't really understand what he was feeling exactly. There was just one thing he knew for sure: He liked Paul. He liked him so much. And that was dangerous. Espacially for Paul because he didn't even know what he was getting himself into by getting too close to Richard. And Richard didn't want to get Paul into trouble. But he also didn't know what to do about his feelings. He was talking to Paul for only two days and he already was helplessly smitten by that man. It was crazy.  
Still confused Richard wrapped himself in his blanket and laid down on the bed in his room for the first time since being there to try and get some sleep and maybe get his silly feelings under control that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never read 'The Tragedy of King Lear', all I know is that it's a tragedy about some king and his daughters. I don't know if there is anything romantic about this story but Shakespeare in general often is and that's why a chose to write this. But I apologize if there is any Shakespeare fan out there reading this and feeling offended by it because I got it terribly wrong. It's nothing personal, it's just for the purpose of this story.


	5. I can't

***** ***** *****

Richard still laid in his bed when the door to his room was suddenly opened without a knocking beforehand. Richard sat up in his bed in shock but relaxed again when he saw who his unexpected visitor was.  
"Hey", Paul greeted him and closed the door to the room quietly behind him.  
"What are you doing here?", Richard asked quietly without any sort of greeting. As much as he liked Paul Richard thought it was weird for him to show up in his room in the middle of the night and barging in without knocking.  
"I'm happy to see you too", Paul giggled sarcastically and when he saw the sharp look on Richards face his giggling softened into a smile and he explained: "I missed you."  
"O-kay", was all Richard could answer to that. Maybe he sould be flattered by that but he still thought it was weird that the other man visited him in his room in the middle of the night. And on top of that there was no way to explain what a nurse was doing in a patients room at night if they should get busted somehow.

Paul slowly approached Richard in his bed, smiling mischiviously and said: "You're happy to see me, aren't you, Richard?"  
Richard wasn't sure where Paul was going with this so he said nothing but watched every of Pauls movements carefully. Paul then reached the side of his bed and sat down, very near to Richard so he could even feel the warmth radiating from the other mans body.  
"You're happy to see me, right?", Paul asked again in a very soft voice that sent chills down Richards spine. Paul then placed one hand on Richards thigh and caressed and massaged him there. Richard breath hitched and his cock twitched in interest at this touch.  
"Paul, what are you doing?", Richard asked and tried to sound relaxed and cool but he could hear just how tensed his voice was. Paul of course noticed too and smirked again and let his hand slowly slide upwards and then he placed it over Richards crotch.  
"Oh yeah, you are happy", Paul breathed out when he felt how hard Richard was. Richard closed his eyes when he felt Pauls hand moving, putting just the right amount of pressure on his erection, and he tried suppress a moan by letting out a deep, quiet breath.

When Pauls hand finally left the other mans crotch Richard instantly mourned the loss but was surprised when Pauls hand soon found the waistband of his pants and started to pull them downwards.  
Richard didn't stop him but still quietly hissed: "Paul...", but was silenced by an index finger pressed gently on his lips.  
"Shh", Pauls shushed him and then took Richards freed cock in his hand. Richard let out an uncontrolled moan when he felt Pauls touch, the smaller mans warm hand around his rockhard member.  
When Paul started to caress his aching length with painful slow strokes Richard fell back on his bed, putting a hand over his mouth to stop himself from moaning too loudly. Pauls hand stroked him faster and faster, his thumb occasionally caressed the leaking tip of his cock.  
"Come for me", Paul breathed out and then his wet lips closed around Richards shaft. Pauls head bobbed up and down merciless and Richard moaned deeply, putting his hand in Pauls hair, ruffling it gently while his orgasm drew closer .... closer ... closer...

***** ***** *****

Richard opened his eyes in shock. His room was dark and it was all quiet around him and Paul was nowhere to be seen of course. A dream. Did Richard really just have a wet dream about Paul?  
Sighing Richard leaned back in his bed and draped one arm over his face. The same time his other hand was busy with fumbling his leaking cock out of his boxers and started to stroke himself fast and furious. While pleasuring himself he let his mind float with different imagines of the other man.  
He imagined Paul kneeling in front of him, Richard taking his beautiful face between his hands and guiding his cock into his waiting mouth, careful not to go too deep but still enjoying the control he had about the other man, choosing the pace and finally coming deep down the other mans throat.  
He imagined Paul laying on a bed beneath him, legs spread wide, pushing deep inside his wet prepared anus and listening to Pauls pleasured moans while looking deep into his blue-grey lustfilled eyes and then ultimatly filling him up with his hot semen.  
He imagined bending Paul over a table in front of him, entering his backside and ramming into him hard and merciless, Paul moaning louder and louder and screaming out Richards name in utter bliss when Richard made him come the same time he did.  
Having those images clouding his head it took an almost embarrassing short time for Richard to finish himself off and come hard all over his hand. Satisfied Richard slumped back into the mattress and panted quietly.

When Richard slowly came down from his high he realised he had to ask for new bedcovers from the laundry lady given the mess he just made. 'That's just great', Richard thought morosely.  
The same time feelings of shame washed through his mind and he started to worry about what had just happened. It wasn't good. Sure, the orgasm was great but the situation itself wasn't. Not at all. Richard didn't even know if Paul was gay and even if he was Richard didn't know if Paul would be interested in him. And even if that was the case Richard knew he could never be with Paul in that way. He just knew that he wasn't good for the other man, he would only cause Paul problems with his fucked up life and most likely Paul would eventually regret that he had ever met Richard. The thought of Paul pushing him away made Richards heart clench painfully in his chest and he knew then that he could not let this happen. Maybe it was already too late for him but he needed to end this thing before Paul would grow to fond of him. Better end it now when they barely knew each other than growing too close and then have to end it, causing Paul hurt and heartbreak. Now he would probably only be pissed, Richard hoped. But he was sure it was the right decision in order to protect Paul from Richard himself.

___________________________________________

The next day Richard had his second meeting with Dr. Schneider. Again it ended in nothing and once more Richard returned to his room without any new knowledge.  
When afternoon arrived and the time for Richard to meet Paul in the community room like he told him came he stayed in his room. He knew how incredibly rude this was since Paul had been nothing but nice to him but Richard knew it was necessary, as much as he didn't like it himself. 'I'm doing it for Paul', Richard kept repeating in his head to make himself feel better and it worked until later that afternoon when it knocked on his door and he found Paul standing in front of him after he opened up.  
'This is going to be bad', Richard thought and braced himself for the drama he knew that was about to come.

"Hey", Paul greeted Richard with a soft smile on his face which let Richards heart grow weak yet again and still he answered with one monotonous "Hey" in return and looked at Paul expressionless. Pauls smile faltered a bit at Richards disinterest but he tried not to let it show.  
"I've waited for you. You said you would come to visit me", Paul told him and looked at Richard nervously.  
"I wanted to be alone", Richard explained shortly, keeping up the dismissive attitude outwardly. He clearly saw the dissapointment in Pauls eyes but the other man still seemed determined not to let those feelings show.  
"Okay, that's understandable. Did you have a rough night?", Paul asked and the concern in his voice sounded sincere but it wasn't what Richard had hoped for. Paul being caring just made him feel all the worse.  
"None of your business", Richard replied coldly and sent a stony expression in Pauls direction that didn't fail it's impact this time. Paul shrank back visibly and the hurt was written all over his face. Richard had to swallow a big lump in his throat.  
"Richard... Are you alright?", Paul asked in a trembling voice. "I already told you, none of your business", Richard repeated. Paul swallowed and frowned slightly which seemed so rare for this always smiling man. Richard was sure he didn't like that expression on the smaller mans face and longed for him to smile again.  
"I see", Paul breathed out and then went silent for a moment, before he asked: "Do you wanna be alone? Because I totally get if you...", but Richard interrupted him, not able to handle his care and understanding any longer.  
"Listen Paul, it's really sweet of you to come here and check on me but I really don't need your help. So stop waisting your time and better run after people who actually want you to be with them, alright?" Richards voice was stone cold when he said those words and his expression also didn't tell how much he hurted himself by saying this. He just felt sick like he would have to throw up at any moment.  
Paul defenetly was shoked and very hurt now and he didn't try to pretend anything else anymore. "But", he stammered out. "Richard...", he started once more but got interrupted again.  
"Stop annoying me and piss off!", Richard hissed and the added spitefully: "But thanks for the guitar lessons though", before he slammed his door shut right into Pauls face.

He leaned his forehead against the now closed door and breathed heavily. First he didn't hear any moving outside but after some moments passed he could hear Paul slowly turning around and leaving. The echo of him walking away became quieter with every step he took and eventually Richard couldn't hear Paul anymore.  
Richard still had his forehead pressed against the door and he angrily wiped his eyes when he couldn't stop a single tear rolling down his cheek. Then he stomped to his bed and wrapped himself up in his blanket again. He just wanted to hide from the world outside and curse his damn life for being so shitty and always taking the wrong turn.


	6. Deal

Five days. His last conversation with Paul was five days ago. Even though Richard tried to avoid Paul after that he couldn't prevent to walk into him in the dining room twice. Each time Richard looked at Paul and both times Richard didn't see anger in Pauls eyes. Ricahrd wasn't sure which emotion he saw exactly when looking into Pauls eyes but he was at least sure that it wasn't anger.  
But the worst part was that Richard still couldn't understand why he was so hung up about this whole thing. Paul was just a guy Richard had talked to two goddamn times. Still it hurted Richard not to be near him, that he couldn't listen to his constant chatter or look into his beautiful shining smiling face. To Richard it didn't make any sense to be so obsessed with a guy he barely knew but there wasn't anything Richard could do to put a stop to his feelings. And his dreams didn't lessen of course, they only intensified. At least Richard wasn't hunted with nightmares as usual but his wet dreams weren't helping either.

A great problem that was caused by all this stress was that Richards graving after some cocaine became almost unbearable. He was clean for three weeks now and to say it was hard would be the understatement of the year. Especially in moments of stress every fiber of Richards body needed his personal miracle cure and he constantly thought about how to get that stuff but he didn't find any solution until this point. So Richards suffering continued, no Paul around him and no drugs to distract him from unfulfilled dreams and fantasies.

_____________________________

It was the fifth day after Richard had last talked to Paul when Richard was laying in the bed of his room like always, staring up at the ceiling and trying to think about nothing and nobody. A knock on his door pulled him out of his trance and nurse Riedel entered his room, the tall lean guy who had brought Richard to his room on his first day.  
"Visitor for you", Riedel explained shortly. Richard looked up in surprise. He didn't have any close family members and there was only one friend who would visit him here: Till. Although Richard wasn't in the mood for talking to anybody he still was happy about this unexpected surprise. He was starting to feel very lonely in here and maybe it would lift his spirits to see a face from the outside world.

Richard followed Riedel through the grey-white corridors until they reached the section with rooms for visits. Richard was brought to the second door on the left side and the room he then entered was like a real interrogation room of some classical thriller movie. It was a very small room with only one little window so it was rather dark inside and the only furniture was a table with two chairs. Richards eyes were glued to that table where he spotted a very familiar man who slowly stood up from his chair the moment Richard came in. Without noticing Richard had crossed the distance between himself and the other person and embraced his tall, bulky friend in a very tight hug.

"Reesh! It's so good to see you man!", Till greeted him happily and crushed him in one of his typical bear hugs. Then he pulled away to look at Richard, laid his hands on Richards shoulders and said: "Wow, you really look like shit to put it nicely."  
Tills honesty was something that always put a smile on Richards face despite his bad mood. Now that he had Till right in front of him he started to realise how much he had really missed his old friend.  
"I've missed you", Richard said honestly and Till grinned in amusement: "Just look at us, hugging all day long and whining about how much we've missed each other. We've never been this girly before!", Till laughed and Richard joined in, only to hug his friend once more before letting go of him completely. In the meantime nurse Riedel took a seat in a chair in one corner of the room and busied himself with reading a newspaper. Richard would be lying if he said that the constant investigation and lack of any sort of privacy didn't bother him but his happiness to see Till again was luckily overpowering his anger at the moment.

Richard and Till sat down at the table, facing each other. "So, how did your first week in here went by?", Till asked.  
"What do you think?", Richard replied, sighing. "Meetings with doctors and a lot of boredom", Richard explained and purposely left out the whole story about Paul. Nothing had really happened between them and now it was over anyways. And from what Richard knew Paul was friends with Riedel and as long as this guy was sitting in the same room Richard wouldn't dare to talk about anything Paul related.  
"Sounds like a very exciting week", Till said and although his tone had a joking hint to it Richard could still hear the honest concern in it. It made Richard smile faintly.  
"Sure. Why don't you tell me what's going on at home? How's Khira?", Richard finally asked the only question that really mattered to him. The wellbeing of his beloved little angel, his four year old daughter.  
"Didn't Sabrina call you?", Till asked in surprise and Richard had to supress the urge to roll his eyes. Sabrina was his ex-girlfriend and the mother of his daughter and she only ever brought trouble into Richards life. And after she had found someone better she had dumped him, kicking him out of their shared apartment and making him homeless. And after that she even began to fight for custody for Khira against Richard which Richard later had lost because of his verdict for rehabilitation. In Richards opinion the whole relationship would have been one big mistake if it wasn't for his daughter.  
"It doesn't really surprise you that she didn't call me?", Richard muttered out in disbelieve and Till sighed in response. "I'm sorry man. I tried to convince her and she had promised me to call you. I really hoped that she would keep a promise for once in her life."  
"No need to apologize Till. It's not your fault", Richard tried to make his friend feel better and gave him a small smile.

Till smiled back at him but then became serious again. "I've got some news to tell you", he explained and his tone of voice made clear that it wasn't any good news. Richard instantly felt the cold creeping under his skin: "What happened?"  
"It's about... you know... the Swede", Till said and glanced at the nurse sitting in his corner, seemingly still absend minded with his newspaper. Still this topic was something both men needed to be careful about.  
And of course Richard knew right away who the Swede they were talking about was. Akerlund. The drug boss of Berlin. In the last couple of months Richard had developed some nasty problems with him and a lot of them still weren't settled. The financial debts of Richard was the most serious one and had to be solved as soon as possible.  
"What does he want?", Richard asked a little exhausted. "He's getting impatient. And he's still after her", Till said bitterly. With 'her' he meant little Khira. Richard knew that and he had to fight back the urge to break everything around him out of anger. Of course Akerlund wouldn't let this go. Of course he still wanted his money back but at the moment there was nothing Richard could do about it. Nothing to protect his daughter. He felt like a helpless baby.  
"But", Richard hissed out quietly while glancing in Riedels direction once more who was still busy with reading. "You keep an eye on her, right?"  
"Of course", Till exclaimed a little too loud. After earning himself a sharp glance of Richard he kept talking in a much quieter voice: "I promised I would. But it doesn't solve the problem and you know it." And Richard knew Till was right. But what the hell was he supposed to do? The last time he intended to solve this fucked up situation he landed in curt.  
"What should I do?", Richard asked frustrated. Till leaned foward over the table, put a hand on Richards shoulder and squeezed it gently: "We're going to get through this. I'm keeping an eye on her and I'm gonna do everything to win time for us. But you need to find a solution or we're deep shit in trouble very soon."  
Richard shoulders slumped down hopelessly: "I know that." With each day passing this whole situation became more complicated and Richard felt like he was about to loose his mind at any moment.

"Visiting time is over." There suddenly was a voice coming from one corner of the room which let Richard shrink back in surprise. Riedel had now abondoned his newspaper and stood up from his chair. Richard sighed and really hoped the nurse didn't make anything out of what Till and he had been talking about.  
Richard and Till stood up from their chairs and embraced each other one more time. When they let go Till patted Richards shoulder and said: "It's going to be alright, Reesh. You'll see."  
Richard muttered "Sure" in response, which didn't sound too convinced, and with one final goodbye to his friend he followed Riedel out of the visiting room back to his own room where he was left alone. But after a few minutes he started to feel terribly claustrophobic again and he needed to escape somehow. So he left his room again and went through the community room out to the yard where he sat down on a bench and started staring off in space while thinking about everything he had been talking about with Till.

But the more he was thinking about it the more he felt like he would never find a solution and the more desperate he became. The thought of Akerlund doing any harm to his little daughter made Richard literally freak out. He knew what this guy was capable of and the only way to make peace was to somehow orginaze the money he wanted back from Richard. Calling the cops definitly wasn't an option because those idiots tried to get a hold of Akerlund for years now and always failed miserably. The cops standed no chance against a guy like Akerlund and that's why Richard hadn't mentioned Akerlund in curt. But that wasn't important right now.  
Still deep in thoughts Richard let his glance swift around the yard until he saw two guys standing in a quiet corner on the other side of the yard. It was a tall, lanky guy with glasses on and a shorter guy with a shaved head and tattoos all over his arms. And Richard could clearly see the taller guy handing the other man some white stuff inside a little plastic bag.  
Richard almost chocked on his own spit in surprise. Did they really deal with drugs in a fucking rehabilitation center without anyone noticing? Richard let his eyes wander around the yard once again and he saw no nurse or other clinic stuff members around and the spot where the two men were standing couldn't be spotted by the security cameras. Richard looked back at the men who were now walking back towards the building. This was the chance Richard had hoped for!

Very quietly Richard whistled in the vague direction of the tall glasses wearing man who turned his head in Richards direction. With a small nod of his head Richard mentioned for the man to come over which the guy did but only after glancing around once more. He then sat down on the bench next to Richard without looking at him.  
Richard had to admit that this guy looked nothing like a drug dealer but out of his own experience he knew that the inconspicuous guys often were the most clever. And Richard knew better than to underestimate a guy who was able to deal rather openly in a rahabilitation clinic without being caught.  
"You've got something for me there?", Richard asked calmly and quietly without looking at the man. "Any preferences?", the lanky guy asked without any nervousness in his voice. Richard was sure that he had to be doing this sort of things for quiet a while now.  
"Coke", Richard explained in a barely autible voice but the man next to him heard him anyway. "No coke right now, only crack if that's okay with you."  
"Right now?", Richard asked and the guy nodded. "How much?", Richard asked next.  
"You don't have any money, do you?", the guy said and it was more a statement than an actual question but Richard shook his head anyways.  
"You know Landers, right?", the lanky guy asked and Richard instantly became nervous because he knew this thing was going in the wrong direction. But it was too late for him to back out.  
"I know him only a little", Richard said carefully. Then he heard some rustling next to him and he turned his head to see where the sound came from. His eyes landed on a small plastic bag peeking out of the mans jacket pocket. With crack in it. Richard enjoyed crack almost as much as he enjoyed real coke and he had a hard time not to yank the package out of the other mans hand right away. He was way too deperate. And the glasses wearing bastard knew he had Richard were he wanted him.

"What do you want?", Richard asked but didn't take his eyes from the white stuff he wanted and needed so badly. It was killing him to have it so near to his face and still feel so far away from it.  
"The key for the medicamentation locker", the lanky guy explained shortly. "Landers got a key to the medicamentation locker?", Richard asked surprised. He assumed that only a doctor like Schneider would have a key to that.  
"Every nurse has one. For emergencies", the guy explained. "And you want me to take it from Landers?", Richard asked although he knew the answer already. The lanky guy only nodded.  
Richard felt sick in the pit of his stomach. Could he do that? Could he do that to Paul? Deceive him in that way? Would Richard even be able to talk to him again after the way he had behaved five days ago? But it seemed to be his only chance right now.  
"I don't know if I can do that", Richard answered uncertainly but when he saw the lanky guy putting the plastic package back into his pocket he instantly made his decision: "Okay, I'll handle it."  
"Good", the lanky guy said in satisfaction and then glanced around once again. Then he leaned towards Richard, shielding the vision of the camera with his back and handed Richard the package he wanted. He even gave him papes and a lighter with it.  
Then he stood up and said: "Three days. Same time, same place", but before he could walk away Richard asked: "Where can I do this?", pointing at his crack. With one hand the lanky guy shortly mentioned to the quiet spot he and the other tattooed man had been standing before. Then he walked away without another word.

This whole day didn't went anything like Richard expected. Now Richard not only had problems with Akerlund, he also had to get back together with Paul and try to be his friend only to deceive him. The thought of it made Richard feel sick and digusted with himself.  
To distract himself he went to the corner the dealer had showed him and began to roll one crack cigarette. He was happy to see that the stuff would suffice for more than one ciggy.  
When he put the cigarette into his mouth, lighted it and took a deep drag he could instantly feel the impact the drug had on him. All the worries in his mind faded away quickly and a warm feeling went through his whole body, reaching every fiber of his being, physically and psychologically. 'It's been too long', Richard thought and took two more drags of the cigarette right away.  
Getting higher with each passing second Richard was now sure that everything would turn out just great and his own optimism gave him a great rush. And Richard loved it. For once, everything finally felt great and good to Richard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if everything that happens in this chapter is too realistic but it's a work of fiction, right? And it's important for the storyline of this so... yeah. Hope you enjoyed it.


	7. No Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here I am again with a new chapter. Sorry it has taken me so long but I was kind of occupied with being at the hospital. But I'm better now and I'm really happy to upload again. Hope you enjoy.

When Richard woke up the next morning the sun was already breaking from the sky down through his windows into his room and burned painfully in his eyes. Richard moaned tiredly and closed his eyes again, realising that his head felt like it was about to explode due to the massive headache that woke him up. When he tried to sit up in his bed a crazy dizziness kicked in and gave him the feeling that he would possibly faint right in that spot.  
'It's defenetly been way too long', Richard thought agonized when he suddenly felt the urge to throw up in the pit of his stomach on top of it all. Still he managed to finally sit up in the corner of his bed, he put his elbows on his lap and buried his head deep in the palm of his hands. Three weeks without any drugs and even now he could feel how it fucked up his whole system. The fall from the high the morning after felt worse than ever before to Richard, like being run over by a truck not once but like five times in a row. Again Richard moaned and rubbed his face aggressively with his hands, wanting to get rid of the headache and dizziness with violence if necessary.

He opened his eyes again und again shrank back from the way too bright sunlight that blinded him. Then his eyes landed on something on the bedcovers next to him. The package of crack was laying next to him and was almost empty. Richard stared down at it in utter shock and disbelieve. Did he really smoke that much of crack yesterday? He couldn't remember what had happened after he had taken the first few drags of his ciggy. But now it was obvious that he had smoked a lot more after that. Which would explain why he felt so much like shit right now.  
'Oh God', Richard thought and tried to search in his memory for anything that had happened yesterday after he had smoked his first cigarette but when he was faced nothing but blackness in his mind he was getting more frustrated with each passing second. He didn't even know how he made it back into his room or his bed yesterday. Did he do it on his own? Or did anyone help? But Richard didn't make any friends with other patients 'til that point and if any nurse had seen him in the state he must have been in yesterday he would not lay in his bed right now. He would sit in the headmasters office being fucked forever.  
The thought alone of a nurse having Richard caught as high as he was yesterday let him feel like everything in his body was about to freeze. Because if that would have happened he surely woulnd't get out of this building for the next couple months. He maybe would have to spend the rest of his days in this goddamn center, never being able to see daylight again for real.

Still miles away in thoughts and pained from the headache and dizziness Richard was very startled when he heard somebody knocking on his door. His first thought though was to grab the plastic package next to him and to put it under his pillow in order to hide it from whomever was going to come in. The door opened and the person outside stuck his head through the opening to look at Richard. But the moment Richard realised who his unwanted visitor was he again had the feeling that the dizziness in his head would overpower him at any moment and make him faint. In nothing but disbelieve Richard looked at the person who was standing right in front of him and asked himself if it was possible that he still was high from yesterday and beginning to hallucinate.

"Good morning Richard", Paul said in a very smooth and calming tone of voice like it was the most normal thing in the world for him to visit Richard in his room after the things that had happened between them. Only the fact that there was no smile to be seen in his beautiful face let Richard know that this situation wasn't a light and happy as they usually tended to be with Paul around. But this had to be expected since Richard had been a huge dick when they last talked to each other.  
Richard didn't say anything, he merely stared at Paul and tried to figure out what the other man could possibly want from him. He watched as Paul put a toolbox he was holding in one of his hands down next to his feet and then closed the door behind him before he looked back at Richard with a very serious expression on his face.

Like so many times before Richard felt like this man could strip him bare with the intensity of his eyes and find out every secret of Richards life just like that. And for whatever reason Richard suddenly felt a pang of shame go through his body so he couldn't look back at Paul anymore and bowed his head to look at the ground.  
"Headache?", Paul asked suddenly and made Richard look back up at him in surprise. "Dizziness? Nausea? Trembling?", Paul kept on asking and terrified Richard to his core. How did he know? Was it possible...?  
"You know", Paul continued and his eyes were filled with worry but had a very strikt hint to them when he hesitated for only a couple of seconds before he finally said: "Next time you take drugs you should be more careful for people around you not noticing right away."

Richard looked at Paul in shock and suddenly wasn't able to move even one inch of his body. Paul knew? The first time he took drugs in here and Paul instantly noticed? Did he saw him yesterday? Or did he read it in his face just now? Richard really was beyond terrified. What the hell had happened yesterday? And what did Paul had to do with it?  
When Paul saw the dumbfounded expression on Richards face there was a very small smile tugging on the corners of his mouth which gave his face back the warmth Richard had got used to. Without controlling it part of the tension instantly left Richards body when he saw the change in the other mans expression.  
'Damn!', Richard thought frustrated. 'Even in a situation like this a can't change the power this guy has over me!' This wasn't good. Still Richard didn't drew away when Paul slowly approached him and sat down on the bed next to him. Paul looked at Richard, again this unbelievable intensity in his eyes and he appeared to be deep in thoughts because a little frown settled on his face and knitted his eyebrows. Richard chose not to look at him and instead studied the white covers of his bed both men were currently sitting on. He was scared of what Paul could possibly tell him now. Every time Richard thought things couldn't possibly go any worse that's exactly what happens. Was there any chance of life getting more like hell than it already was right now? Problems everywhere and no solution to be found. 'Maybe I'm really going to loose my mind one of these days', Richard thought and sighed.

"I don't wanna get you into trouble Richard", Pauls voice brought Richard back down to earth again. Even though his words surprised him Richard didn't say anything or raised his eyes to meet the eyes of the other man. He just kept his had bowed and waited nervously for the other man to continue.  
"You really were beyond wasted when I found you in the yard outside yesterday. You couldn't even walk without my help anymore. Thank god nobody except from Ollie saw us. This isn't healthy Richard. You can't go on like this", Paul said and his words made Richards mind go crazy. So that's what happened yesterday. He broke down in the yard and was lucky enough to be found by Paul and nobody else. Although this Riedel guy apparently knew about this whole thing as well. The hell Richard knew if he could trust this guy to shut up. He wasn't even sure about Paul at this moment. And Paul already knew too much about him for Richards liking. If he only knew what Richard was going through with Akerlund either, how he had to protect his daughter somehow, then Paul wouldn't be telling Richard that taking drugs wasn't healthy right now. It was the only way for Richard to not go insane after all.  
"Neither Ollie nor I told anybody about what happened and we are not going to. Like I said, getting you into any sort of trouble is the last thing I would ever wanna do and you're lucky that Ollie is an outstandingly fantastic and understanding guy so you don't have to worry about him either, I can assure you that. But I won't watch you destroy yourself like this. It has to stop Richard. And if you choose not to do anything about it then I'm gonna take care of it."  
This time Richard coudn't stop himself from looking up into the other mans eyes. What was he saying? Where was this leading to?

"I'm not gonna pretend to understand or even know what you are going through right now. I don't even expect you to tell me what is going on even though I would be very happy if you could trust me with it. I'm not gonna force you into anything and I want you to know that I'm not your enemy. You can trust me if you need somebody to relate to. And I'm gonna give you this second chance because I think everybody, no matter who, deserves a second chance. I wan't you to stop taking drugs and fill up you system with this destroying shit. You need to learn how to deal with problems and stress without it or you're never gonna get out of this. And if I ever notice you doing anything like this ever again in here I will tell the headmaster about it and I will make sure it won't happen again. Not because I'm a dick but because I need to do it in order for you to get better again."  
Richards mind was completely blank from what Paul had just said and he didn't have a chance to think about it because the other man apparently didn't finish yet. "Richard", Paul said and put his hand on one of Richards shoulders and looked very pleased when Richard didn't try to shake him off. "I'm not your enemy", Paul repeated in a very calm and serious voice and now the intensity of his eyes literally burned holes into Richards own. "All I want to do is to make sure that you're alright Richard. That's all. I care about you."

Richard looked straight into Pauls eyes when he tried to finally put an order to the thoughts running wild in his mind. Paul did threaten him to talk to the headmaster the next time he would bust Richard taking drugs but he didn't do it for now. And despite everything Richard felt a great wash of relieve when he realised that everything turned out fine with a shitty situation for once in his life. The urge to kiss the other man senseless out of pure gratefulness was overwhelming to Richard and he really had a hard time not to actually do so. Instead he just smiled shyly at Paul and tried not to give sentences like 'I care about you' too much attention. Most people didn't mean it when they said something like that anyway so there was no reason for Richard to make a big deal out of it. Paul smiled back at Richard and said nothing more, instead he patted his shoulder one more time before standing back up and walking towards the toolbox he had brought with him when entering the room before.

When Paul turned back to Richard and saw him frowning at him he started to smile brightly again and this smile felt more like a typical Paul again so Richard couldn't resist to smile back at him ever so faintly.  
"When I brought you into bed yesterday I tried to turn on the heater and realised it was not working. So I thought I could take care of it now given that I was planning on visiting you today anyway", Paul explained. Then he walked past Richard and his bed, put to toolbox next to the heater down to his feet again, he took of his jacket off and threw it onto Richards bed and then crouched down to take a good look at the heater.  
What let Richard jerk up was the fact that a very interesting noice reached his ears when Pauls jacket fell down on the bed next to him. It most defenetly was the rustling of keys. And that's when Richard remembered his deal with the glasses wearing dealer who wanted him to take the key to the medicamentation locker from Paul to repay the crack he had already given him.

The key. Richard stared nervously at the jacket right in front of his nose. When he glanced up at Paul he saw him being distracted with working on the heater with some tool in his hand. This was the best chance Richard could possibly get to get the key and then get this whole thing finally over with and Richard knew it. But then, when he slowly reached out for the jacket with a trembling hand he suddenly stopped and he knew he couldn't do it. No matter how desperate he was, there was no way he could betray Paul when he had been treating Richard so nice all the time, not even calling on him because of the drugs after Richard had been a total jerk six days ago. Drained out of all energy Richard let his hand fall back on the bed and lowered his head. He knew this would get him into even more trouble but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Impossible.  
When he stopped talking to Paul he did it because he thought he was dangerous for the other man and he still thought he was but not for one moment Richard had realised how dangerous his own feelings for the other man could get. He didn't know what those feelings were exactly but now it was clear that they could really block him from doing so many things. They made him weak, something Richard didn't like at all. It was the reason for him to try and stay away from personal attachment. But it already was too late now.

Richard looked back up at Paul and so many different feelings floaded his mind and his heart but the most important one was protectiveness. He didn't want anything bad to happen to the other man. And he couldn't betray him. Not anymore. 'What am I doing?', Richard thought to himself while watching Paul and when the other man slowly stood up again, seemingly finished with whatever he was doing on the heater, Richard acted out of a pure impulse.  
"You wanna meet up again?", he asked and couldn't believe the words he was saying but couldn't stop them from coming out either. "Have a little jamming session again or something?"  
Paul looked at Richard in total surprise at first but then a brilliant smile spread across his face, like his was the happiest person in the whole wide world for Richard asking him this. "I know I acted like a total jerk a couple days ago. I wanna make it up to you", Richard continued while looking into the other mans shining eyes and he felt his heart melt at that sight.  
"Sure I want to", Paul answered happily. "Not today because there are some things I need to take care of but maybe tomorrow? I will be in the community room again, 2 p.m. That's if you're interested."  
"I'll be there", Richard said and knew he meant those words. If he would get himself into trouble for the other man then at least for a good reason. He won't stay away if there was no chance to get over his strange feelings for Paul anyway. 'Fuck it', Richard thought and for once smiled as ungaurded as possible at Paul, feeling like this man was an even better drug than crack. If Richard had him what else could he possibly need?


	8. When everything gets out of hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be a little chaotic but so are Richards thoughts right now and I think I have to address to that somehow. Hope you enjoy anyway.

The afternoon Richard spent with Paul in the community room went by peacefully. Both men talked mainly about music once again but later continued with some more private matters. Paul talked a lot about his childhood and revealed some funny anecdotes that accured, for example when he hid his parents swimming suits when they all went swimming in a lake together. Richard on the other hand did open up to Paul a bit too and explained how his relationship to his mother was a very difficult one because she always prefered his older brother over Richard which is very devastating to a little child of course. When his parents split the new husband of his mother was overly strikt with him and tried to force his father role upon Richard what he didn't like to accept so Richard often would run away from home in his youth and stay away 'til the point the cops would search for him. Of course Paul was very moved by Richards story and tried to cheer him up in his typical manner of smiles and laughter.  
While talking to Paul Richard realised that he would probably always hope for something more to happen between himself and the other man but for now he was more than content about how things were progressing between them. He really felt like he was about to make a new, very good friend.

On the afternoon the same day Till came to visit for a second time. Richard did know that this would be a serious talk when Till sacrificed 50 DM to make the person on supervision leave the room. Thank god that this person wasn't Riedel this time. Richard was surprised too at how 50 little DM could convince this guy so easily to take a twenty minute break from his job but he wasn't about to complain.  
Till told him that the whole situation worsened in the last couple days and they reached a point that black cars with darkened windows would follow little Khira on her way to school. But before Richard had the chance to throw a huge temper tantrum Till made a suggestion: Richard, whose room luckily was at the lowest level of the building, should try and sneak out of his window and climb above the fence seperating the clinic from the outside world, where Till would wait for him in his car. Then they would drive to the Akerlund quarter of Berlin to meet him and they would try to talk this whole matter out with him, secretly recording the conversation. With those recordings they would try and blackmail Akerlund into leaving Richards daughter alone. Both men were positive that it wouldn't solve their financial problem at all but at least it could guarantee Khiras savety and to reach that goal Richard was willing to do anything, no matter how stupid or even suicidal the whole idea was.  
Richard was perfectly aware of how dangerous their plan was and he didn't even know how it could possibly work out because for example the window of his room was always locked. But when Till told him not to think about it because he would handle this himself Richard knew that he could count on his longtime friend and he felt positive that this whole thing could work.

When Richard went to bed that night he was nervous about the things that where about to happen soon but also he felt more enthusiasm than ever, knowning that now he finally had the chance to escape this horrible clinic for once and do something useful to protect his lovely little angel.

_____________________

Only when Richard woke up the next day he remembered the glasses wearing dealer who had given Richard the crack three days ago. Since he didn't get Pauls keys for the medicamentation locker because of his stupid conscience like the dealer demanded he had to think of something else to do now.  
Richard wasn't sure how serious he should take this dealer and what he was capable of doing. Three days ago he didn't appear to be too threatening but one could never know for sure. Richard didn't know how many people worked for the lanky guy after all. Maybe he would appear with two muscular guys in the afternoon and threaten Richard for his life since he didn't do like expected. This had happened to Richard before with Akerlund and he didn't like the thought of going through something like that again. Richard just hoped the dealer wouln't do anything too crazy since they were in a rehabilitation clinic so they could talk this out.  
Now Richard had to think about an excuse for himself. To ask for more time wouldn't be much of a help because he wouldn't want to betray Paul in the future either. So there was no other alternitive than to ask the guy for anything other to do to equal his depths and maybe, if Richard was lucky, this dealer would turn out to be a person of reason and actually listen to him.

Still Richard had a bad feeling when he went out this afternoon to meet up with the lanky dealer. Although the guy himself didn't scare Richard at all this whole situation still could turn out really bad in general for Richard and he was well aware of this, so he should better be prepared. When Richard appeared outside he instantly spotted the guy already waiting on the bench for him. Richard took one deep breath and then walked towards the guy with steady feet to sit down next to him.

"The key." Those were the first and only words Mr. Lanky Pants spoke. 'Wow, straight to the point', Richard thought nervously to himself but didn't let it show on his face of course. 'I guess I go straight to the point either', Richard thought because he knew that a dealer getting straight to the point usually didn't like people talking to much.  
"I don't have it", Richard said with a confident voice. The lanky guy didn't move one muscle of his body but Richard caught the guy watching him from the corner of his eyes.  
"Something happened?", the dealer asked. "You could say that", Richard answered. "I don't think I'm going to get those keys anyway. Isn't there anything different I could do for you to pay?"  
Without any warning the guy suddenly stood up from the bench, patted the jacket he was wearing (it was the first time Richard realised this man wasn't wearing patients or nurses clothing but ordinary stuff, jeans, t-shirt, jacket, etc.) and spoke in a hard tone of voice: "I don't like people not keeping their promises", and then went away towards the building without any other words.

Not knowing what to do Richard stayed in his spot for a moment and thought about what had just happened. This guy just left without giving Richard a new date or any other thing to do as an alternitive. Richard could already feel that this wasn't a good thing and for that reason chose to stay outside, just to be sure to have enough space to defend himself in case the dealer would return with some people to beat the shit out of him.  
Richard stood up from the bench and started to pace nervously in one corner of the yard. He waited for anything to happen but for the next half an hour nothing happened at all. Then he saw someone entering the yard once more and it only took Richard a couple of seconds to realise who it was. Although Richard was surprised to see Paul he still smiled warmely at him but that smile slowely disappeard when he realised that Paul didn't return it. Quite the contrary, Paul had the same look on his face than two days ago when he had talked to Richard about the drugs in his room, only this time he seemed to be much more angry and maybe even disappointed. Seeing that look on the other mans face Richard had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, like something was about to go terribly wrong, and this feeling was confirmed when the lanky dealer appeared behind Paul in the entrance to the building and looked at Richard with no particular expression on his face.

Richard was glued to his spot when he watched Paul finally closing the distance between them. When the other man stopped right in front of Richard he just looked at him for a moment before he said: "Show me your pockets."  
Pauls tone of voice was hard and sent shivers down Richards spine. He never heard Paul talking to him like that. A little uncertainly he asked: "Hey Paul, what's up, what do you...", but Paul didn't even let him finish. "Show me your pockets", he repeated and already sounded much more impatient.  
Still surprised about this unexpected turn of events Richard reached for his pockets without thinking but then suddenly freezed in his movement. Only now he remembered he had put the rest of his crack into his pocket right before he left his room. When Richard looked over Pauls shoulder into the dealers face for one short moment he saw an evil little smirk on his face. And Richard was sure that this guy knew Richard was carrying the drugs with him. Of course the dealer would know, it was obvious Richard wouldn't let the crack laying around when leaving his room and not being able to keep an eye on it.  
Still in shock Richard wasn't able to move his arm anymore and felt his heart literally beating out of his chest because of the adrenaline pumping through his vains. This dealer really was a sneaky bitch. Not as bad as Akerlund of course but still very clever and unexpected merciless in his very own way.

Paul, whose face still became more impatient by the second, suddenly moved fowards and without any other warning reached for Richards pocket and quickly found what he was looking for. He pulled the package with the white powder out of Richards pocket, looked at it shortly and then held it right into Richards face with an accusing look on his face.  
If Richard had felt like his heart would jump out of his chest moments before he now felt like it was about to stop at any possible second. Then Paul said with the same hard voice than before: "I've warned you."  
He took Richard by his arm and pulled him back towards the building and Richard knew right away where they were heading to: The headmasters office.

_____________________

Richard looked up at the white ceiling and the mote swirling around his face. The things that had happened the past two hours felt so surreal to Richard that he still couldn't believe it actually accurred. It was unbelievable.  
Paul had brought Richard to the headmasters office without any second thoughts it seemed and had thrown the package of crack right onto his desk, ignoring Richards pleading looks. He even went as far to actually tell the headmaster that he had found the drugs in Richards pockets. The craziest of all things was when Richard found out this dealer apparently was a security man named Lorenz. This guy seriously was a security man working in this clinic and secretly dealing with drugs at the very same time and obviously nobody had a clue. Never in a million years Richard would have guessed this guy could be so cruel to tell on Richard without any hesitation in his bones and on top of that he was even brazen enough to tell Paul, the same guy the dealer wanted Richard to rob. If it wasn't so goddamn cruel and cynical Richard probably would have laughed about this whole situation. But even more than that he felt the urge to smack himself for not being careful enough and starting to interact with a dealer he didn't even know. Normally he was smarter than that. And now he was totally screwed because of his own carelessness.

Of course Richard didn't tell the headmaster or Paul that Lorenz was the dealer selling him the drugs. They wouldn't believe Richard anyway so why even try? They most likely would only get more angry if Richard said Lorenz was a drug dealing bastard in a fucking rehabilitation center and would probably extend his punishment. So Richard chose to stay silent just like on his first day, not uttering a single word.  
All he felt was a bitter numbness deep inside his heart that made it impossible for him to listen to the words the people around him were saying. Not even when the headmaster told Richard what his punishment would be did he say anything or even look up. For an unknown timeframe Richard would have to stay in special supervision, which meant for him: No more leaving his room without a nurse following his every step, no more meals in the dining room (instead eating in his own room, which was now a locked up one on the second floor) and the worst part, no more visits from family members or friends. That being said, there was now no way for Richard to sneak out of the clinic anytime soon and he couldn't even tell Till because he was not allowed to call anyone at the moment. And his daughter still was death threatened by this crazy motherfucker called Akerlund.

So now Richard was laying on his bed, locked up in this fucking room of this fucking clinic like a fucking animal and felt as helpless as never before in his life. All his thoughts circled around Khira and the fact that Richard wasn't able to protect his little daughter in any way and had to hope that Till somehow could handle this situation by himself, which was highly doubtful since his friend was on his own and Akerlund had God nows how many henchmen. This was all too much. Too hopeless. Too hurtful.

When Richard heard the door to his room open he didn't bother to look up and see who it was. The door closed again and then it sounded like somebody was putting something down on the little table next to his bed.  
"Dinner", a voice called out for him and Richard instantly became agitated when he recognized that this voice belonged to no other than Paul. Richard angrily clenched his jaw. 'Traitor', was all he could think about. Of course Paul had warned him beforehand but Richard thought if Paul would feel only a little sympathy for him he wouldn't have told on him right away without knowing what was going on at all. He just felt so terribly betrayed and stupid for trusting him in any way.  
'Why didn't I just take the key from him when I had the chance to? He's not worth it to get into so much trouble.' Richard didn't once look up to make eye contact with Paul and instead turned his back towards the other man.  
Richard then heard Paul sigh behind him. "Richard", he said silently and still Richard couldn't feel the happiness he normally felt when hearing Pauls voice. It was just the oppisite - he felt even more angry at him.  
"Richard", Paul repeated patiently and his voice sounded so warm and caring that time - like he was back to the man Richard began to have feelings for. "I had to do this. You'll see, you'll be much better very quickly in here", Paul explained.  
'Say no more', Richard started to pray silently because he knew he was about to explode at any moment and didn't want to cause himself even more trouble. But of course his prayers weren't heard like so many times before in his life.  
"I do understand what you are going through. I probably understand more than you know. Please trust me when I tell you what happened today is for your own good", Paul said and that was it for Richard.

As angry as he hadn't been in a while Richard jumped out of his bed and turned towards Paul so fast the other man shrinked back in surprise. It was a satisfying reaction and Richard could only imagine how his outraged face must be piercing Paul down.  
"You don't know a goddamn thing", Richard hissed out and his tone of voice was the deadliest he might have ever used in his entire life. Paul took another step back and now Richard even saw some fear in his eyes but he didn't care. Paul had brought this on himself.  
"Richard...", Paul started once more and got interrupted almost immediatly. "Stop it! Just stop it!", Richard hissed out again and had a hard time keeping his voice down. He didn't want to draw the attention of another nurse to this scene, but honestly, it actually didn't matter anymore since he was screwed anyway. So screwed. Because of Paul.  
"You destroyed everything!", Richard hissed out again. "Everything! So don't tell me you understand one fucking thing. You don't know me! You never did! But I can promise you one thing, you little bitch! If I'm going to loose ... everything ... my whole life ... because of what you did ... you are going to pay! I'm gonna make sure of it!" Thinking about his daughter getting hurt Richards whole body tensed up and he had the urge to throw up. At Paul if possible.

Paul looked at Richard with uncertain eyes, like he was trying to find out how serious he could take the other man and something he saw in Richards eyes must have been enough for him to take two more steps away.  
"I'm here for you. You can talk to me. I can be your friend if you'll only let me", Paul tried once more with a very small voice and pleading eyes and now Richard had to fight back the urge to punch him right into his stupid little face. After everything he did, how could he even think about...  
"You did enough already. I don't need you. Just go", Richard said hatefully and took a threatening step towards the other man.  
"Rich-" - "PISS OFF!", Richard roared out in pure rage. He instantly heard quick steps heading towards his door and the next moment Nurse Riedel was standing in the door, looking worriedly at both of them.  
"Everything's good?", he asked and gave Richard a sceptical look. Richard on the other hand continued to glare at Paul, who didn't took his eyes off Richard either when saying in a surprisingly calm tone of voice: "It's alright. Ollie. It was my fault, I-". Again he got interrupted by Richard.

"Don't fucking do this! Go on, tell him how aggressive I got for no reason and put me into chains for the rest of my life like I have no other things to worry about. Oh, why don't you just tell the headmaster right away, hm? I thought that was something you're particularly good at, aren't you, you fucking son of a bitch?", Richard roared again and felt only more rage taking over his body. It was like he was possessed. He couldn't stop. He was sure the whole building had to be trembling at how loud he was screaming.  
Paul hesitated but then looked at Riedel and with one quick nod of his had signalized him to leave. Then he looked back at Richard one more time and his eyes showed so many different emotions. Richard felt like something valuable was about to break into nothing. This feeling got even stronger when Paul finally left the room along with Riedel without saying anything else and shut the door quietly behind him.

It was what Richard had hoped for the entire time, to be alone, but still he couldn't feel any kind of relieve. He felt angry, sad, hopeless, depressed - like something was killing him inside, like he would pass out with a nervous breakdown at any moment.  
Frustrated and desperately Richard started to scream angrily and knock his fists against the wall and didn't even stop when he started to feel warm blood running down his knuckles. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted it to hurt as bad as he was hurting his daughter for leaving her alone and not helping to keep her save like any father should do. He was no use. Right now he was loosing all control he ever had over himself.  
"Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!", he shouted and felt angry tears running down his face. He head felt dizzy and his legs wobbly. The last thing he knew was somebody grabbing his shoulders and tearing him away from the blood-decorated wall right before he lost his balance and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Richard's no jerk but with all the things going on right now and his daughter being in danger everything's getting too much and reaches a boiling point, so please don't think wrong of him.
> 
> DM = Deutsche Mark, German currency before the Euro


	9. Closer to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to mix up some real facts with fiction here to try and make it fit to my story, just so you know.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Richard woke up in a dark room. His head was pounding hurtfully and his body felt as heavy as a sack full of rocks. Moaning Richard turned his head slowly to his left and blinked a few times, hoping that somehow he could figure out where exactly he was. When his eyes began to accustomate to the dark he realised he was laying in his bed in the very same room his was in before. His eyes ultimatly focused on a dark shadow near to his bed and first Richards breath got stuck in his throat because he couldn't recognize the persons face in the dark. Did Akerlund find him? Would he end this now once and for all?

"Welcome back, sleeping beauty", the shadow suddenly said and Richard perked up excitedly.  
"Paul?", he asked but instantly moaned again when he felt how dry his throat was and how weak his voice sounded.  
"Live and real", Paul giggled and this sound was pure music to Richards ears. Still on his chair Paul skidded a little closer to Richard until his was right by his side. In the dark his features were hard to see but his silver earrings were sparkling and it seemed like his eyes were shining a little but maybe Richard was just halluzinating right now. He still couldn't believe Paul really was here.  
"How do you feel?"; Paul asked softly and Richard needed a moment to process that question before he could answer hoarsely: "Felt better."  
"It's gonna be alright", Paul said confidently and again Richard could only admire the infinite optimism Paul always seemed to bring along.  
"How long did I sleep?", Richard asked and coughed in an attempt to somehow clear his throat. Almost immediatly Paul stood up from his chair and picked something up from the nightstand next to him and brought it closer to Richards face.  
"Drink some water." Richard tried to take the glas out of the other mans hand but he felt too weak to actually lift his hand up so Paul put his hand behind Richards head and helped him lifting it up a little. Then he brought the glas to Richards mouth and helped Richard to take some careful sips of the water. It was refreshing and Richard felt how the scratching in his throat eased down a little at least. Even the pounding of his head faded a bit. Then Paul laid Richards head back upon the pillow and put the glas back on the nightstand.  
Richard was surprised when Paul didn't sat back on his chair like expected but instead leaned over Richard, then laid his palm on Richards cheek and carefully caressed Richards cheekbone with his thumb. 

"You were out of it for a couple of hours", Paul answered to Richards previous question. "You fainted and we had to give you some sedative. Also your knuckles were bleeding so we had to patch them up." Only when Paul took Richards hand into his Richard felt the bondages around both of his hands.  
The memories of what had happened came back into his mind. The dealer. The arrest. The argument with Paul. How he had lost all his control afterwards. Richard moaned once again and closed his eyes, trying not to faint once more out of shame. What the hell has he done? How could he talk to Paul like that when he was only trying to help like always? It wasn't his fault Richards life was shit.  
"I'm so sorry Paul", Richard whispered tiredly and wanted to go on but then felt the soft press of a single finger on his lips. When he opened his eyes again he saw Pauls face only centimeters away from his own but he didn't shrank back even a little bit. He just stared back into the other mans eyes which he could now see perfectly. They were beautiful as always.  
"Don't be. It's alright", Paul whispered back and although he was smiling in his typical manner his voice sounded so sad and strained that Richard felt uncomfortable goose bumps creeping over his skin. Again Richard closed his eyes in shame. Why did he always cause problems to people around him? From the very first time he had seen Paul Richard had known he had to stay away and he even tried to do so but out of his own egoism he didn't do it properly. And know Paul was suffering because of him.  
"You need to promise something", Paul suddenly said and Richard felt their noses connecting when Paul moved his face a little bit closer still. "Promise to never throw a tantrum like that again. Please, you scared the living shit out of me earlier. I know you feel all alone and lonely, like everyone has left you and nobody cares. But your not alone Richard. I'm with you and I am here to stay."  
Now Pauls voice sounded almost on the verge to crying and Richards throat instantly felt dry again. Pauls voice sounded so lost it made Richard feel sick inside.  
"Please don't do that to me again", Paul pleaded.

The next moment Richard felt Pauls lips lightly touching his and this feeling instantly woke Richard up a bit more and spread a warm tingling sensation through his whole body. He should be surprised about this unexpected action but Pauls lips felt so warm and soft Richard didn't have a chance to think about it for one second. When he felt Pauls lips slowly withdrawing he whimpered silently and chased them to catch them one more time and Paul seemed only too happy to oblige. This time the kiss wasn't just a light touch but much more intense. Richard didn't know where the energy to do so suddenly came from but he slowly lifted his arm and put his hand on the back of Pauls neck, angled his head to the side to intensify the kiss even more. Still there was no hurry and they didn't even initiated tongues but it felt like the most intimate kiss Richard ever experienced in his whole life. Those warm and soft lips matched Pauls personality perfectly and never in his life anything had ever felt so right to Richard. The silent kissing noises that filled the dark room only added more romance to the whole situation and Richard was surprised that he didn't mind how corny this all was.

It was Paul to carefully broke the kiss and backed away a bit, only to look straight into Richards eyes in close range. He was so near to him Richard could feel his hot breath against his skin.  
"Stay with me", Paul whispered another time and then leaned in again to press a soft kiss to Richards forehead. Richard closed his eyes and felt like he finally arrived heaven. Never in his life he believed heaven existed but if it did Richard was sure it had to feel like this. He even started to pray this wouldn't turn out to be one of his wet dreams and once again would end up waking up in a dark room all by himself.  
When Richard felt Paul slowly moving away from him to sit down on his chair next to the bed again he couldn't help to freak out a bit. He immediatly reached out for Pauls hand and gripped it tightly to stop him. "Don't", was all Richard said and again was surprised at how strong he suddenly felt and how clear his voice sounded. Was it possibly that Paul was some sort of miracle cure? His very own brand of coke? Possibly.  
Paul looked at Richard questionly so he went on: "You need to stay with me if you want me to stay with you." Paul giggled at this and then sat down on the bed right besides Richard and took both of his hands into his own. He lifted them up and kissed each of Richards knuckles individually over the bandages like he was trying to heal the wounds with his tenderness alone. Those ministrations sent some pleasant shivers down Richards spine.  
"Promise you'll stay and fight", Paul asked him again. He didn't seem desperated anymore but still pleading. Richard knew this kiss took away any last resistance against the other man that was left in his body before so there was no possible way for him to refuse Paul anymore.  
"I promise", he replied and thought he had to do everything in his power to keep that promise for the other mans sake. Richard didn't want to cause his little Paul any more hurting. The responding smile he received from him should be more than enough motivation to actually do so.

Silence now filled the room and although it didn't feel uncomfortable at all Richard longed for Paul to talk again and let him hear his voice.  
"Say something", Richard demanded in a soft voice.  
"Aren't you tired?", Paul asked worridly and Richard instantly shook his head: "I just slept a couple of hours", he said grinning.  
Paul shook his head too but smiled nonetheless: "You know what I mean."  
"I'm not tired", Richard promised. "I want to hear your voice."  
"Are you still the same man who told me just a couple days ago that he's not a romantic at all?", Paul asked teasingly and now Richard really had to laugh out loud although that sound came out pretty weak.  
"You're no good influence on me, Paulchen", Richard answered just as teasingly.  
"Paulchen?", Paul asked amused. "Nobody has ever called me that."  
"It suits you", Richard simply replied and meant it. It was cute, just like Paul himself.  
"Doesn't it sound a bit gay?", Paul asked like it was meant to be real question and now Richard had to laugh even harder.  
"Not as gay as what we did just a couple minutes ago", Richard kept laughing and Paul soon joined in: "You've got a point there, Reeshy."  
"Oh no, you're not going to call me that", Richard said sternly although the effect might vanished due to him still laughing.  
"Why not? I like Reeshy. You don't wanna be my Reeshy?", Paul asked amused and Richard could only shake his head at him. This was such a bad nickname. Still he liked it coming out of Pauls mouth but of course he would never admit that.  
Both men turned quiet again until Richard pleaded once more: "Please, say something."  
"What do you wanna hear?", Paul asked, still amused.  
"Doesn't matter. Just anything", Richard replied. Paul was silent for a few seconds, like he was thinking of something to tell the other man, and then stroked Richards hands again when he finally answered: "There's something I wanted to tell you for quite some time now but I never catched the right moment."  
His tone of voice suddenly turned very serious and Richard could only imagine whatever Paul wanted to tell him, it wouldn't be a nice thing to talk about. Still Richard got very curious and the chance to learn something new about Paul didn't sound too bad either.  
"I'm listening", Richard said and laid his head on Pauls lap who was still sitting right by his side. Paul let go of Richards hands only to start carressing his head and hair. It was strange for Richard to think about how he fought with Paul just some hours ago and now he was openly kissing and cuddling him in his bed in the middle of a dark room. But at least it was a good turn of events for a change.

"Remember when I told you I once played in a band?", Paul asked.  
"In your office?" Paul nodded his head. "Yeah, why?"  
"It's a long story. When I was 18, I was in some weird punk phase and with some friends I formed this band Feeling B. We mostly played Fun-Punk. Flake joined in shortly after because he had this keyboard to replace a bass guitar. You know, Herr Lorenz, the secutrity guard from earlier. We've been friends since our youth."  
Out of utter shock Richards breath got stuck in his damn throat. Paul was friends with this fucking asshole since his youth and even played in a band with him? And he didn't have the slightest idea what this guy was doing behind his back? Although Richard really wanted to tell Paul the truth he decided against it, for now at least. He just cuddled a little tighter to Paul and nodded his head in understanding.  
"Our singer was Aljoscha. He was 17 years older than me and the leader of our group. He really was a great guy, he only ever did what he wanted to do, he never cared about the things other people thought of him - he lived the life of a West-German in the East. Seeing his apartment for the first time really was crazy, like we entered a different world. We built a little recording studio in there and spent much time at his place. As a band we basically played everywhere they would let us. Later we were able to record a tape and publish it which was rather amazing."  
"I've heard of Feeling B back then but I've never cared enough about it though", Richard admitted. Back then everybody in the underground music scene in the East knew about Feeling B but Richard always prefered to do his own stuff and form his own bands so there was no chance for him to actually meet many other musicians. Maybe it had been a mistake given that he coud've met Paul so much sooner.  
"It's strange that the both of us never met although we were both playing in Punk-Rock-Bands in the GDR", Paul said like he was thinking the exact same thing as Richard.  
"At least we did meet now", Richard retorted and felt Paul snuggling up to him a bit closer. "Better late than never", Paul said and Richard couldn't agree more.  
"My point is", Paul then continued talking about his story and took a deep breath. "We drank a lot back then and we also did take drugs."  
Surprised Richard hoisted himself up a bit and balanced his weight on one arm when turning to his side to have a better look at Paul. This wasn't something Richard would've expected at all.  
"So you were a Junkie or what?", Richard asked and it sounded so strange to use that word in such context. Paul - a Junkie? It was absurd.  
"I was", Paul confirmed rather calmly and looked deep into Richards eyes. "Honestly, I didn't have any reason to do it. It was just for fun and because everybody else was doing it too, that's all. But like always it got out of hand rather quickly. When you wake up in the morning and the first thing for you to do is drinking a bottle of beer and then swollow some stupid pills you've definitly lost control over your life. But that's exactly how we lived back then and of course nobody realised what a dangerous game we were playing until it was too late."  
At this point Paul wasn't able to look at Richard anymore so Richard, who didn't feel tired at all anymore, turned on the little lamp on the nightstand next to his bed to have a better look at Paul. Why did they sat in the dark for so long anyway?  
Richard softly stroked Pauls cheek with his right palm and asked carefully: "What happened?"  
Paul continued to avoid Richards glance when he went on: "It was one night out of many. We were drinking, smoking some weed and doing lots of other stupid things until all of us fell asleep. When I woke up the other morning Aljoscha was laying next to me and...", Pauls voice was trembling, "...he wasn't breathing. We called an ambulance of course but it already was to late. An overdose."  
Richard was left speechless. Never in a million years he would've thought Paul had experienced such cruelity. To wake up next to a dead friend - it had to be crushing. Maybe that's why he was so desperate for Richard to get over his addiction? But there was another question that was even more important to Richard: "Was that the reason for you to become a nurse at a rehab center?"  
Paul nodded: "Yeah. I guess I'm trying to make up for it."  
"There's nothing to make up for. It wasn't your fault, it was an accident", Richard said rather strictly but Paul just turned his head away and said nothing. It was obvious he was blaming himself for what had happened to his friend and Richard didn't know what to say to make the other man feel better.  
So he just decided to do what he always did when he had no words left to say and still wanted to help: Silently he snuggled up to Paul once more and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek, hoping that at least some physical closeness could cheer Paul up a bit. Richard was beyond relieved that Paul didn't push him away. On the contrary he put his arms around Richard, pressing their upper bodies so tightly against each other there was no place for anything to get between them at that moment.

A long time both of them didn't say a single word but instead enjoyed the silence and the closeness to each other until Paul finally had to break the peace: "I'm sorry, Richard, but I really need to go now, otherwise some nurses might get suspicious of me being in here for so long. Ollie thought of an alibi at least but I don't wanna take any risks."  
Richards heart and mind instantly filled up with sadness and he had to force himself to let go of Paul so he could stand up. When Paul saw Richards face he smile fondly and said: "Don't worry, I'll be back in no time. I promise."  
Then his bent down again and hesitated for only a second before he pressed a short but meaningful kiss to Richards lips and then backed up again. He winked at Richard grinningly and said: "I'll see you, Reeshy", before he turned around and quietly left the room. How this man was able to already smile again shortly after telling such a sad story was a mystery to Richard but his adoration for the other man only lifted even more because of it.  
When Richard was alone he turned back to the nightstand and turned off the light again. He had no idea what all the kisses and the cuddling meant and if Paul and he still were leading this weird friendship or a now even weirder relationship or something.  
But instead of thinking about that too much Richard just snuggled back under his blanket and fell back to sleep with such calmness and happiness he didn't feel in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the conversation between those two lovebirds ends rather abruptly but don't you worry, we'll find out more details about Pauls past very soon. And of course Richards past will be revealed too someday, I just don't know when exactly lol.


	10. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again with another chapter. Took me long enough, I know, but life's a bitch sometimes lol.  
> Hope you enjoy.

A week passed by with no major changes. Richard was still trapped in this special supervision section of the rahab center, he had to spend most of his time inside his room and whenever he was allowed to leave it there would be a nurse following his every step. It was annoying really but there wasn't a thing Richard could do about it so he just tried to fit in and get it over with as soon a possible, trying to be invisible most of the time.  
His relationship to Paul also didn't change too much. They saw each other every day and the mood was mostly relaxed but still Richard felt a tinge of uneasiness around him. He couldn't just forget that the other man had betrayed him that easily. Also they didn't talk about what had happened the first night Richard was in here. The kissing, the cuddeling - they never talked about it and kind of acted like it didn't happen at all. As if everything was back to the way it was before everything went crazy.  
And above that all Richard still felt the unwavering affection he held towards the other man. It defenetly wasn't just a physical thing. Pauls character, his positive spirit and the way he cared for Richard all of the time, especially since being on special supervision, was hard to ignore. Richard wasn't sure what Paul really meant for his life. He wouldn't want to loose him, even after all that had happened recently, but he still thought he shouldn't get to close to him. It was dangerous and stupid. But Richard also couldn't change the way he felt everytime he was around the other man. Paul was his peace in all this craziness. And despite Richard not being a romantic at all he has always been an emotional person. It seemed like no matter what Richard did, there would always be a problem following. So what to do?

It was Tuesday morning and Richard looked at the door after hearing a knock. The door opened and of course it was Paul bringing him his food like everyday since being in here.  
"Hey", Paul greeted him with a smile. "Did you sleep well tonight?"  
"Surprisingly yes", Richard replied. He had indeed slept better this night than he had for the last couple of months. No dreams but at least he felt well rested for once.  
"That's great", Paul said and put the tablet with food on the table.  
"Are there any other nurses in this clinic by the way?", Richard asked suddenly with a grin on his face. Paul looked at him in confusion: "Of course there are. Why're you asking?"  
"Because I barely meet any other nurses apart from you and that makes me wonder sometimes", Richard explained lightly.  
Paul smiled: "Well, the other nurses know that your my special case so they keep away."  
Now it was Richards turn to get slightly confused: "Special case?"  
Paul still smiled kind of mischievously: "I insist to be the one to bring your food and to take you out to the yard. I like spending time with you. And my colleagues wouldn't dare to interfere because they know how easily I get pissed with them."  
"I see", Richard answered, slightly confuesed with that answer but accepting it nonetheless. In a way it was what he had expected to hear anyway.  
"You've got a problem with that?", Paul asked but it seemed like he already knew the answer. Richard sat down at the table and put a spoon full of stew into his mouth. It wasn't very delicious but eatable at least.  
"You're tolerable", Richard answered eventually with faked nonchalance. Paul only laughed and replied: "I've been called worse so I'll take it." Then he continued: "Now eat and later, when you've finished, I've got a surprise for you."  
That caught Richards interest and he looked up from his food at the other man: "What surprise?"  
Again Paul laughed in his typical manner: "You see, the point of surprise is you not knowing what's about to happen. So eat up like a good boy and you'll see." Then he turned around and left a confused but curious Richard behind.  
Only a couple of minutes after Richard had finished his lunch Paul stepped into his room again and looked at Richards cleared up bowl. He smiled: "You haven't eaten all your food since gotten in. That's good, you should eat like that all the time. If surprises motivate you like that maybe I sould come up with something creative more often."  
Richard smiled in return but it was soon replaced with a face of curiosity: "What's the surprise now?", he asked and watched Paul intently.  
"Follow me", Paul said taking the tablet from the table with him. Slightly confused again Richard followed him. The time for his fifteen minutes in the yard would be in two hours so where could the other man possibly take him?  
On their way out Paul brought the tablet into the kitchen and then led Richard into a section he'd never entered before. Well, he's only been in here for a week but still it was kind of strange for him now to leave his room just like that.

Paul eventually stopped in front of a white door and turned back to Richard saying: "There's somebody here to see you", before opening the door for Richard to step in. And immediately Richard thought his eyes might pop out of his head when he saw who was waiting for him.  
At a table inside this room, which was brightly lit by the morning sun shining through a big window, Richard spotted Till. And to his overwhelming surprise there was his little daughter Khira settled on his longtime friends lap. She was looking at Richard with huge eyes and a blinding bright smile right before she jumped up and ran towards her father.  
"Papa!", she squealed happily und leaped into Richards open arms. He had kneeled down already and the imput of his daughter jumping into his arms almost made him fall backwards but luckily he regained his balance just in time. He embraced his daughter tightly in his arms hoping he would never ever have to let her go again.  
Richard didn't know how much time passed with him holding his little angel in his armes and forgetting about the world around him. Only when Khira said: "Daddy, I need to breath", he backed up a little to look into her face. She looked good, well rested and energetic, just like he knew his daughter. For the first time in months Richard felt like he was whole again.  
"Don't cry, daddy", Khira said suddenly und touched Richards cheek with her small hands. Only now Richard realised he was crying out of happiness and he also became aware of the fact that Paul and Till where still standing next to him watching. Suddenly Richard felt very self-conscious about his emotional outburst and quickly wiped away the tears on his face, trying to put on a brave face.  
"I'm happy to see you, baby girl", Richard explained softly and hugged his angel another time, giving he a little kiss before standing up again. He took his daughters hand into his own, not willing to let her go for even one second.

Then he looked at both men next to him. Till grinned happily at him while Pauls smile was bright enough to light up the entire room. Even his eyes seemed to shine along with his smile.  
Then it was Till to break the silence: "I've heard what happened. Mr. Landers called and informed me and he actually made it possible for me to visit you apart from the general visiting ban", he told Richard.  
Richard looked at Paul in surprise: "You did this?", he asked and couldn't quite believe a person would possibly do something like this for him.  
Paul just smiled: "It's nothing really. And I've already told you to call me Paul. Please", Paul said referring to Till.  
Till smiled too: "Of course, Paul, I almost forgot." Then he looked at Richard again and added: "Paul even talked to Sabrina and convinced her to let Khira come over for a visit."  
Before Richard was able to react little Khira squealed again saying: "That's true. He came over for a visit and talked to mum in the living room for awhile and then mum came into my room and told me I could visit you in a couple of days."  
Richard looked at his daughter and then lifted his head to look at Paul with his mouth agape, unable to speak. Every sentence Richard was trying to put together in his head seemed so small and feeble to express the gratitude he felt towards the other man in that very moment.  
Paul continued smiling like he understood Richards thoughts without knowing them. Instead he said: "I think the both of you got some things to talk through", referring to Richard and Till. Then he looked down at Khira and suggested with a smile plastered to his face: "Why don't the both of us get some ice cream in the cafeteria and let your dad and Till have some time to talk alone?"  
Khira grinned happily but looked up at her dad nonetheless, asking him with doe eyes: "Can I please go, daddy? Please. I promise I'll be good."  
Richard looked down at his daughter and again back up at Paul. Normally he was overly protective about his daughter and Till was the only person whom he trusted enough to take care of her. But suddenly he wasn't even the slightest bit concerned about his daughter getting ice cream with Paul so Richard smiled and said: "Of course, go get your ice cream. And be good and eat it all up, promise?"  
"Promise, Papa!", Khira squealed happily and let go of Richards hand to reach out for Paul.  
"We'll be back in twenty minutes", Paul told Richard when taking Khira by her hand and it sounded like a vow in Richards ears, like Paul knew about the immense trust Richard had just put into him. It was crazy how Paul always seemed to know what Richard was thinking without even asking.  
Richard smiled though and patted Pauls shoulder: "It's fine, Paul. Take your time:" Both men shared short eye contact with each other that felt strangely intimate to Richard before Paul turned away and left the room along with Khira.

Richard was rooted to his spot for a moment, watching the door silently before Tills voice brought him back to reality: "Well, that was interesting."  
Richard looked at him in confusion: "Hmm?"  
"What's going on between you and this nurse guy?", Till asked and grinned knowingly. Richard frowned and didn't really know how to respond so he just said: "We're friends."  
"Friends? Like us?", Till asked and Richard cringed inside hearing that comparison. No, it was definitly not like his friendship with Till. But he didn't know how else to describe it and most importantly he didn't want to talk about it at all.  
"Did you come to analyse my relationship to Paul? I think there are more important things for us to talk about", Richard told his friend sharply, squinting his eyes at him.  
Till only laughed at him: "Sure. But as your best friend let me tell you this Paul is a good catch. He cares for you. I can tell be the way he is looking at you alone. Like your the sun and everything is rotating around you. If your smart you won't let this man slip through your fingers."  
Richard frowned again and inspected Till scepitcally. Normally his friend didn't comment on people Richard surrounded himself with. Maybe it was because Paul was special in every possible way? But what was that sentence supposed to mean: Your his sun? Richard didn't really know how to respond to that so he chose to let it pass and change topic to a more important one.  
"Any news about Akerlund?", Richard got to the point immediately and got a deep sigh from Till in return. Till sat down at the table and rubbed his temples with his fingers before he answered.  
"Nothing has changed really. Nothing bad happened but it didn't get better either. The worst part is that I don't know when something's going to happen. It could happen at anytime and it's stressful because I can't sleep. I must be alert at anytime. I don't know how long I can keep this up. One day I won't pay enough attention because I'm just too tired and then something tragic happens."  
Tills words sounded so tired and desperate Richard felt his heart clench inside his chest. Why did he always cause problems to people dear to him? If he hadn't been so carless when attempting to rob this stupid bank the cops woud have never catched him. Then he could have payed Akerlund back, he wouldn't be imprisoned in this stupid rehab center and most importantly, Khira wouldn't be threatend to death by some crazy drug dealing maniac.  
"I'm sorry Till", Richard said silently and sat down at the table as well, putting his face into his hands, sighing.  
"Don't blame yourself...", Till started but got interrupted immediately. "I'm the only one to blame Till! It's all my fault! Because of me my own daughter isn't safe anymore and there's nothing I can do about it because I'm a fucking addict stuck in fucking rehab!", Richard shouted angrily.  
"Shut up man! Do you want anyone to hear us?", Till whispered agitated and Richard shrank back, looking defeated: "Sorry", he said once more. "But I can't help it. Sitting inside this stupid building unable to do anything. It's torture!"  
It got quiet after that until Till started once more: "I've been thinking and maybe...". Richards head snapped up instantly: "What? You've got an idea? Tell me!"  
Till hesitated at first but then said: "You see, I'm not sure but you seem to get along with Paul pretty well. Maybe he could help us. I mean if he could watch out for Khira from time to time there would be two of us at least and I could take a rest every now and then."  
Richards face hardened: "Not a chance Till. We won't involve Paul into any of this bullshit, I won't let it happen!"  
"Think about it, Reesh", Till started calmly once more. "Two men would mean doubled protection for Khira." But Richard didn't want to listend to any of it: "No! Not Paul! He's not getting involved, I've already caused him enough problems!"  
Till sighed and looked at Richard intently: "He means a lot to you, right?" Richard didn't answer, he merely stared at the other man with the same stony expression as before. Till sighed once more: "It was only a suggestion, Reesh. Calm down. But we have to do something because we can't go on like this forever. My energy is limited, you know?"  
"We're going to find a solution, just be patient. Maybe Akerlund is bluffing. There's no reason to get Paul involved just now", Richard insisted knowing what he said wasn't entirely true. Akerlund wasn't a man to bluff. Richard knew that as much as Till did so Richard wasn't surprised about the sceptical expression he received from the other man. But Till didn't argue anymore.  
"Whatever", was all Till said.

It went quiet again, both men minding their own thoughts, until the door opened and Paul went back into the room along with Khira. The little girl ran towards Richard and jumped onto his lap, hugging him tightly: "Here I am again, Papa!"  
Richard had to smile and hugged his angel back, kissed the top of her head and asked softly: "Did you get your ice cream?"  
Khira nodded excidetly: "I wanted to have chocolate as always but then Paul told me to try something different because life's too exciting to always do the same thing. So I bought mango and it was so yummy!"  
Richard smiled at his daughter lovingly, carried away by her high spirit and the enthusiastic enjoyment of little things such as ice cream. This little girl really was a blessing. If only Richard could see her more often.  
Richard looked at Paul and smiled at him: "Thanks Paul. Really:" The other man again only smiled, saying: "It was my pleasure. You've got a great daughter, you know that. Bright and well-behaved."  
Khiras head snapped up from Richards chest and she looked at Paul beamingly: "Thank you uncle", she said and Paul laughed, patting her head: "I've always wanted to be an uncle!"  
"Then you are my uncle from now on", Khira decided loudly and looked up at her dad: "Can Paul be my uncle, daddy? Please." Richard smiled: "Of course, he's going to be the best."  
Everybody laughed and even Till joined in despite still being tired from the conversation he just had. All three men seemed to agree on one thing: they wanted Khira to be alright. Even Paul seemed to feel that way after only a couple of minutes of really knowing her.  
Together they were sitting in the room for some more time, talking and playing with Khira and Richards mood was as good as it hasn't been in a very long time. When visiting time was over and both Till and Khira had to say goodbye Richard heart felt painfully heavy in his chest.  
"Can I visit you again soon?", Khira asked and Richard already wanted to tell her that he didn't know for sure when Paul interfered: "Of course you will! I'll make sure of it!"  
Khira looked at him happily and asked: "Really?" and Paul answered: "I promise!"  
When parting both Richard and Paul hugged little Khira and Richard hugged Till as well whereas Paul settled for a simple handshake. Then Till and Khira disappeared with one last wave through the door.

When walking back to his room along with Paul Richard was deep in thoughts. Only when arriving at his room and Paul saying: "We're here", he returned back to reality.  
"Will Khira really visit me again soon?", Richard asked hopefully.  
"Of course, I promised. Even a blind person could see how much your daughter means to you and I think it's a healthy thing for you to see her. In cases like this, if a visit is helping a patient mentally and doesn't endanger anyone, we can do exceptions. I will take care of it, don't you worry", Paul told him with a smile.  
"How did you even knew I had a daughter? And how did you convince her mother to let Khira visit?", Richard asked remembering what Till had told him.  
"I've heard you screaming your daughters name when you had your little tantrum the first night", Paul explained almost a little embarrassed. "I knew from Ollie that Till did visit you a couple of times so I called him and found out more. And as for your ex-girlfriend: I'm just good with people, that's all", he explained and than looked down at his watch: "I've gotta go now but I'll be here again in the afternoon. See ya, Reesh", Paul said and already wanted to turn away when Richard grabbed him by his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. Paul looked at Richard with raised eyebrows and Richard just couldn't fight the feeling of gratitude, affection - love? - he felt for the other man. Richard didn't know. Maybe he didn't even need to know as long as he was feeling happy.  
So he pulled Paul silently into his room, closing the door and pushing Paul up against it. Richard laid his forehead against Paul and looked deep into his blue-grey eyes. So many different emotions were running through Richards mind so all he could whisper was: "Thank you", before Richard leaned in for a feaverish kiss.  
Paul responded immediatly and for a while the only thing filling the silent room were hot kissing noises and heavy breathing. Richard had missed this, the feeling of the other man pressed tightly against him and his soft lips moving against his own. It was driving him crazy but eventually he had to back up to take a breath.  
He cupped Pauls face in both of his hands and placed one last chaste kiss upon his lips, whispering another meaningful "Thank you" before he stepped away completely.

Paul took a deep breath and looked deep into Richards eyes before moving forward to close the gap between them again and placing his hands carefully on Richards chest. Richard didn't back away from the contact.  
"Do you even realise how much you mean to me?", Paul asked quietly and Richard felt a pleasurable shudder going through his body at that question. He swollowed hard and didn't dare to answer.  
"It shouldn't be this way. I'm a nurse and your my patient. But I cant help it. I want you, Richard. I want you to be mine. So bad", Paul whispered as quietly and seductive as never before. Those words he were saying seemed to come from the bottom of his heart.  
Richards throat went dry. As much as he wanted the same thing as Paul, the one thing he wanted ever since he met him... it just wasn't possible. He couldn't.  
"I'm too dangerous", Richard answered just as quietly and didn't take his eyes from Pauls even for a second. He had to tell him this, finally face reality. He coudn't lie, not after all Paul had done for him: "I'm not good for you."  
Paul shook his head slowly in response and stepped even closer to Richard, their noses now touching. Paul let his hands slide down a little bit and placed them right over Richards heart which was beating out of control under its ripcage.  
"You are good for me, Reesh", Paul disagreed. "Very much. I've never felt this way before. I've told you my story to let you now that I've been there too and it's never too late. Everything I did was in order to help you. Everything I want is for you to be alright. I would do everything just to see you smile."  
Again Richard had to swallow hard, then he leaned in again and kissed Paul one more time. It was a yearning kiss, full of pain. Then Richard pushed Paul some inches away from himself.  
"I can't. We can't", he repeated but his voice didn't sound convinced and even trembled a bit. Paul heard that of course and gave Richard another chaste kiss. Another deep glance into Richards eyes.  
"You won't get rid of me that easily, Reesh. I'm here for you if you need me. I'm here for you if your lonely. I'm always going to hold you, Reesh. If you only open up your heart to me." Another kiss followed. Then Paul stepped away and after one last deep glance into Richards eyes left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.  
Richard was left alone in his room with a wildly beating heart. 'You've already got the key to my heart, Paul', Richard thought silently.


	11. Open up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, yay! Hope you enjoy!

Another week passed by. Paul did keep his promise and arranged a second meeting for Richard and his daughter. It turned out to be a quiet and peaceful day to lift Richards spirits once more.  
But the time Richard had to spend in this godforsaken room started to affect him very badly. Most of the time he would wake up midnight from terrible nightmares and that's only if Richard could get any sleep at all. Any sort of soporifics were forbidden of course since Richard was a recovering drug addict. It just kept getting worse and worse.  
It was one of those nights when Richard just couldn't force himself to get some sleep when his mind started to wander and dwell about all those things in his life that went wrong. He kept asking himself for what reason he did this to himself. Was there any reason to it? Wouldn't it be better just to end it once and for all? The thought of death didn't scare Richard at all. But life... it horrified him.  
In the darkness of his room Richard spotted a glass of water on the nightstand next to his bed. Sunken in deep thoughts Richard took the glass into his hand and looked at it closely when at the same time ideas started to form themselves in his head without him actually planning to do so.

Who would miss him really if Richard would choose leave this world? His daughter obviously would but, in fact, all Richard did was causing problems to her. She didn't know of course, thought he was a great and overall caring father. Maybe he should write some sort of farewell latter? Writing about all the things he did wrong and how his existence threatened his daughter's life constantly. Khira wouldn't love him anymore if she knew. She couldn't. She'd be happy her father left her life for good.  
Till would miss Richard as his best friend. All the things they've went through together. Back in Schwerin and East Berlin, when both of them were some untroubled kids playing in some Punkrock bands for fun. The roadtrip through California that had strengthened their friendship a lot. All the fights they have shared about women, for example the time Richard got together with Tills ex-wife and even got her pregnant. Their friendship was on the edge of breaking back then. But Till was a good, forgiving person and they eventually sorted themselves out. And the thought of loosing a friend like Till to any woman was now only preposterous to Richard.  
Maybe Till would be mad at Richard if he would take his life away. Maybe he would consinder it unforgiveble even. Cowardly. Dumb. But time will pass and time will come for Till to accept the situation. Time to move on. Time lets people forget.  
The same goes for Paul. Richard would really miss his hight spirit. But they didn't know each other for very long and Paul would forget about Richard rather quickly. He would find someone else, somebody to love him like he deserved, without all those complications. He would get married maybe, start a family. It made Richard furiously jealous to even think about. But it was true. Paul would forget and move on. Nothing could ever break Pauls optimism and certainly not a person so meaningless to his life like Richard was.  
Yes, that was the hard reality. There were only three people in his life that meant something to Richard and all of them would be better off without him, no doubt about that.  
Without thinking any further Richard drank the rest of his water until the glass was empty and then wrapped it up inside his blanket. He then smashed it soundlessly on the hard bedframe and looked over the remaining shards, choosing the biggest one for his purposes. He looked at it for a moment, turned it over once and then he slowly leaded the sharp piece of glass to his wrist.

But just when doing so Richard felt some uncertainty flood his body. He hesitated. And then he let the shard fall to the ground, feeling drained out of all energy that was left inside his body. What he was planning to do was nothing but cowardly. All this wasn't about himself but the people around him. He cound't let them down. It had been Richard to mess up their lifes so it was his duty to set those things right again. It would be nothing but egotistical to leave them behind. He couldn't do that. But still, Richard had no idea how to solve any of it. He couldn't get out of here. It was a damn vicious circle. Everything was pointless, even death.  
Eventually Richard began sobbing silently, hopeless and all alone in his dark and quiet room.

___________________________________

When Paul brought Richards breakfast into the room the next morning as he always did Richard didn't bother to utter a single word and constantly avoided the other mans gaze. He simply didn't have any energy for a confrontation left. For a conversation. All he wanted was to be left alone.  
In the evening Paul came back with dinner for Richard and again Richard ignored Paul and kept looking at his plate. He hadn't eaten a bite all day.  
"Reesh?", Richard heard Pauls concerned voice but he didn't react. He didn't react when he felt Paul sitting down on the bed next to him or when the other man put his arm around Richards shoulder.  
"Richard. Look at me", Paul said softly and put his hand under the other mans chin to gently force Richard to turn his head in his direction. Richard didn't resist. He felt Pauls hand finding his cheek and caressing his skin but he didn't feel any of it in his heart. Only hollowness. Richard just looked into Pauls eyes silently, not caring about the things the other man might had to say.  
But Paul didn't say anything. He just held Richard, caressing his cheek and looking deep into his eyes. Eventually Paul did speak with a soft voice: "Lay down, please."  
Richard did. He laid down, staring up at the ceiling and he really was surprised when he felt Paul laying down next to him. Paul turned to his side, facing Richard, putting his arm around the other mans midsection and nestled his head into the crook of Richards neck.  
In this position both of them lingered the rest of the evening without talking to each other at all. Richard would be lying if he said it didn't feel comforting to have the other man so close to his side. The feel of his calm breath on his skin. The smell of the intoxicating scent of the other mans rich parfume and overall Pauls very own natural scent. He smelled like heaven.  
At one point Richard also turned to his side too to look into the other mans face in close range. Richard tried to look into Pauls eyes but given the fact that the room was already completely dark there was really no chance to do so. Still Richard was pretty sure he saw the other man smiling softly at him. Richard responded in just embracing the other man tightly and pulling him closer. Richard laid one of his hands on the other mans chest and let the rythmic feeling of Pauls quietly beating heart lull him into deep sleep without any bad dreams hunting him.

Richard woke up the next morning only to be surprised about Paul still laying right by his side sleeping peacefully. Richard looked down at him. He didn't think a nurse was allowed to spend the night in a patients bed, even without any sexual activities. Hopefully nobody saw this. Richard didn't want to get Paul into any more trouble.  
Richard slowly peeled himself out of the other mans tight embrace and sat up carefully, making sure not to wake Paul. He looked so relaxed, young and innocent when sleeping. Richard studied every possible part of his sleeping face, every wrinkle and every birthmark. The faint stubble on his chin. He looked so beautiful. Like an angel sent from above.  
Automatically Richard reached out and let his hand wander gently through the other mans blond dyed hair. What could Paul possibly see in Richard? Why did he care so much about a mental wreck like him? What made him do all this? Richard didn't understand. Paul deserved so much better. So much more. So many things Richard couldn't give him.  
It took some time, maybe an hour, until Paul slowly stirred to wake. He blinked up at Richard and there was a small smile forming on his lips immediately after spotting the other man. Richard felt his heart clench at this sight. He didn't deserve this affection.  
"Good morning, Reeshy", Paul said sleepy and Richard couldn't help himself to feel slightly turned on by the other mans raspy morning voice. "Did you sleep well?", Paul asked after streching and yawning heartedly.  
Richard opened his mouth to respond but closed it again without saying a word. He didn't feel like talking. Didn't feel like he had to say anything at all. So all Richard did was to turn away and let his eyes wander through the room that made him feel so tired all over again since it looked the very same every fucking day anyway.

Richard felt the other man moving behind him and suddenly he was once more embraced by Pauls loving arms, feeling the mans chest pressed tightly to his own backside.  
Paul placed some featherlight kisses upon the exposed part of Richards neck and shoulder and Richard didn't resist the urge to sigh contently. He felt Paul smiling slightly against his skin when hearing that sound.  
Paul and Richard had never done anything more than kissing and cuddeling and still the intimacy they've shared so far felt strangely domestic, like they've been together for years already. But truth was they weren't together. They weren't friends either given the intimate nature of their relationship. So what kind of relationship did both man share really? Richard asked himself said question over and over again and just couldn't find an answer.  
"You need to talk about it", Paul said silently into the silence. Richard kept his mouth shut but listened nonetheless. "It's not healthy to bottle up all this negativity inside of you. You need to let it out, Reesh. If you don't feel comfortable talking to me, I understand. But... you did meet up with Dr. Schneider a couple of times already. Why don't you try and open up to him? It could be easier to talk to someone neutral, someone who won't judge you. I know Dr. Schneider and I can assure you he's a great person. And a strictly professional if you're concerned about that."  
Richard shook his head slowly. He didn't want to talk to anyone. But maybe - maybe Paul was right. Maybe it could do Richard some good to let it all out. His next meeting with Dr. Schneider was two days from now. He could at least try and talk to him. What was the harm? Even if the doctor might judge him, Richard didn't care. He didn't know the man after all. And he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about anything Richard told him. Medical confidentiality existed for a reason. Maybe it could help Richard getting out of rehab some time sooner if he talked to the docter. Maybe it was time for Richard to try changing his situation the only way possible right now. So he eventually agreed to Pauls request. Given the fact that Paul seemed to be very happy about this Richard felt like it had been worth it already. Everything to make Paul smile.

___________________________________

"Are we going to talk to each other today?", Dr. Schneider opened up their weekly meeting with the exact same words he always used. Normally Richard chose this point of time to avert his gaze and look silently out through the window for the rest of the time. Today he forced himself to look into the doctor's piercing blue eyes. Even though he felt very scared about this, it had to happen. He promised Paul.  
Richard nodded in response and Dr. Schneider raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Really?" Richard nodded once more.  
"Well then", the doctor began. "Why don't we start with some basics? Tell me something about yourself."  
Richard resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He felt like he was visiting some stupid self-supporting group. Richard took a deep breath before answering.  
"Richard Kruspe. 27 years. From Wittenberge." Although Richards words were short and sarcastic the doctor nodded like they actually mattered somehow.  
"Are there any hopes from your part? A goal you wish to achieve with our weekly meetings?"  
Richard just shrugged. He didn't know what to wish for. Nothing really.  
"Okay. Is there any particular reason you choose this day to have a conversation with me?"  
Richard took his time to answer carefully: "What I did before didn't help. So I thought that maybe a change could do the trick."  
"Do you think a change would help you personally?", Dr. Schneider in interest. He put his elbows on the desk that separated the doctor from Richard and leaned forward slightly. He looked straight into Richards eyes and Richard forced himself to look back in return.  
Richard again shrugged his shoulders. "Try using yes or no for an answer. It's important", Dr. Schneider said.  
Richard hesitated. It was really hard to give a straight answer to him. It would reveal something personal about himself. It was dangerous. But Richard did it: "No."  
"So you don't think it would help you personally to talk about your issues?"  
"No", Richard answered once more.  
"Then why did you choose to do so?", Dr. Schneider asked.  
That was an easy question. Richard did choose to do so due to Paul wishes. Because Richard had to try and sort himelf out for the sake of the people dear to him: Paul, Till and his daughter Khira of course. But he couldn't admit that to the doctor, it was to personal. Still Richard felt like he had to tell him the truth because it appeared to be important right now.  
Again Richard took his time to answer and again Dr. Schneider waited patiently for him to do so. "I think me opening up about myself could do a lot of good to some people very dear to me. When I try to change my life for them."  
Dr. Schneider looked thoughtful for a moment and then asked: "And do you think it could do yourself any good to try and change your life?"  
"I don't think that's important in any way", Richard answered. Dr. Schneider didn't pay any attention to the bite in Richards voice and kept talking with the same calm voice as before: "You don't think it's important to change your life for your own sake?"  
Richard answered immediately: "No."  
"Can you tell me why you feel that way?" Again Richard answered immediately: "I'm the one causing problems to others."  
"But you do have own problems going on in your life as well?" The doctor didn't stop and Richard got more agitated by the second. Where was this leading to?  
"It's one thing to cause problems to myself. To mess up the life of my loved ones is something else entirely. It's unforgivable."

Dr. Schneider was quiet for a moment and then said carefully: "I think we just found the source of what's really wrong with this."  
"What do you mean?", Richard frowned. Did this guy really think he could find the source to all of Richards problems by just talking to him a few minutes?  
"Are you willing to listen to what I'm about to say?", the doctor asked and looked at Richard intently. Richard nodded slowely. This could get interesting after all.  
"What you are trying to say is that your own life issues are not important to yourself personally. The fact that your life issues are apparently causing problems to people close to you is very important to you at the very same time. Doesn't that mean that your own life issues are important after all? That those issues are what we need to solve, even if only for the sake of others?"  
Dr. Schneider took a break from talking for Richard to catch up with his train of thoughts, then he explained further.  
"Let me give you an example. Imagine a good friend of yours is getting beat up constantly by their partner at home. Would it be helpful to patch up said friend and then just send him back home? Wouldn't it be more helpful to first take care of the reason for this person getting hurt in the first place, the violent partner in this case, and then to patch things up again? Now, is there any point in trying to solve your loved ones problems if your own life issues causing all this are still existent? Shouldn't we first try and solve your own problems, Mr. Kruspe? And then try and start make other lifes better?"  
Richard was speechless. Of course. Now it started to make sense to him. All the time he tried to protect his daughter Khira when his own problems really were the only reason for his daughter to be threatened in the first place. If Richard would sort out his own problems there would be no reason for him to try and protect his daughter anymore. What Richard had to do was solving his own life issues and not those of people around him. Because if he did there would be no more reason to try and protect others. Solve a problem in it's source. Why didn't Richard think of this earlier?  
Dr. Schneider kept talking: "There's another thing you need to understand. There is nobody in the world who could ever change you. The only person who can change who you are is you yourself. Only you. Of course it can be helpful to have some beloved people in your life to see you through all this. But your first priority always should be to make your own life a better one. Because only then, when you own life and personality has changed for the better, you can try and start making other people's lifes better. You always have to try and be the best possible version of yourself. Because, if your not able to help yourself, how could you ever be able to help someone else?"

Richards mind started running wild from the things it had to take in. All of Dr. Schneiders words were full of logic. And Richard felt incredibly stupid for not coming to that conclusion himself. To sort himself out before trying and make someone else's life better.  
"I think I gave you some things to think about, right?", Dr. Schneider asked when looking into Richards thoughtful face. Richard nodded.  
"Why don't we call it a day for now? Take my words with you, think about them, take your time. We will have enough time to talk about it some more another day. That is if you are up for another conversation."  
Richard looked at Dr. Schneider, then nodded: "I think that would be great."  
Richard really started to feel a blossoming sensation of hope inside of him. Hope for him to be able to take his fate into his own hands. Him not having to wait for someone else to save him. And with trying to be the best person he could possibly be he could maybe change someone else's life for good. His daughter's life. Tills life. Maybe even Pauls life. This hope let his previous thoughts of suicide seem so far away from anything he would ever consider doing, it almost seemed silly now.  
When Paul brought Richard dinner that day, Richard thanked him.  
"For what?", Paul asked surprised.  
"For saving my life", Richard answered in all honesty and pulled the other man in a tight embrace before placing a little kiss on his cheek.  
Paul looked at him, not understanding what Richard meant with his words but Richard only responded with a smile. Someday, maybe someday Paul would understand. Richard really hoped for that to happen. Someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine that some of you would have liked Richard to open up to Paul first but I genuinely think love isn't the one thing that can heal a person so I let Dr. Schneider, a professional psychologist in this case, take care of it.  
> It doesn't mean Paul won't have some major effects on Richard in future chapters. He will, that's for sure.


	12. All alone again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me some time but now I'm finally back with a new chapter. I was kind of struggeling with a writer's block and didn't know where to go with this story but I think I've found a good way to continue. Please enjoy!

Richard was awoken by feather light kisses that were placed upon his jaw and neck. He sighed contently und slowly opened his eyes. He automatically had to smile when he saw Paul right by his side. Those past few days Paul had spend sleeping right by his side. They never did anything more than to kiss and cuddle but it did his job to decrease the nightmares Richard tended to have.

"Good morning", Paul smiled.

"Morning", Richard murmured and smiled even more when Paul placed one passionate kiss on his lips. Then Richard turned his head to the window and was startled to realise the sun had already risen outside. Richard sat up in his bed and looked up at the clock on the wall, squinting his eyes in effort to read what time it was.

"What time is it?", Richard eventually asked Paul when being unsuccessful to do so.

"Seven forty-five", Paul answered when he himself sat up next to Richard. He started grinning when he heard Richard exasperated sigh.

"Paul, you know you shouldn't be here. We've talked about this."

As much as Richard was happy about the other man being near to him, as much of a risk it was too. If any person apart from Riedel would find out about this, Paul would loose his job, that was for sure and Richard didn't want this to happen. But whenever he brought that matter up Paul refused to listen, the same as he did now.

"Don't you worry, Reesh", he said and then tried to kiss him again but Richard turned his head to the side and pushed the other man some inches away.

"I need to worry, Paul. I've told you a thousend of times I don't want you to loose your fucking job because of me."

Paul just kept smiling: "And I've told you a tousend of times I'm not going to loose my fucking job. Relax. Don't you trust me to know what I'm doing, Reesh?"

Richard sighed: "You know that I trust you but-"

Richard wasn't able to talk any further because the next moment he was busy with Paul shoving his tongue down Richard's throat. First Richard tried to push the other man away again but when he felt Paul pulling him back by the back of his neck he finally gave in.

"Then don't you worry", Paul whispered when he backed away.

Richard shook his head: "You're unbeleavable."

"I know", Paul answered smugly. "And that's what you like so much about me."

Richard showed a tight-lipped smile: "Among other things", he simply answered. Paul laughed.

"You shouldn't get upset this early in the morning anyway. It's unhealthy. So let's just talk about something different. Are you happy to return to your old room today?"

Richard had to smile. His first conversation with Dr. Schneider was two weeks ago and things had changed. Of course those conversations didn't solve all of Richard's problems. Khira was still threatened by Akerlund and the fact Richard wasn't able to talk to Till more often in that matter wasn't helpful either. But at least Richard now knew that a Junkie wasn't destined to forever be a Junkie. He was able to change his life if he really wanted to. And what Richard wanted was to get out of rehab, to make sure his daughter was safe and not to get into drugs ever again in his life. To get out of special supervision back to the normal section of this center was one step into the right direction.

"Of course. I'm tired of constant investigation", Richard answered.

Paul theatralically twisted his face into one of deep hurt. He put his hand to his chest right over his heart and jokingly said: "Ouch, that hurts Reesh. And here I thought you were really enjoying my company."

Richard laughed. Only Paul was able to bring a true laugh out of Richard those past couple of weeks.

"I've got this strange feeling that I'm going to see you much more often than anyone else, even in the normal section."

"Of course you will", Paul answered with a gentle smile and pulled Richard closer to himself.

"I'm wondering why that is?", Richard asked and behind that simple question was more truth than Richard's tone of voice might have let on. He still couldn't understand what Paul could possibly see in a person like him.

"I guess I just like you", Paul whispered lightly and then pressed his lips onto Richard's again. It was a deep, almost loving kiss full of unspoken promises. Richard felt his body warm up. What was Paul doing to him?

When both men parted, Paul looked up at the clock on the wall.

"I need to go now, Reesh", Paul explained and placed once last chaste kiss on Richards lips before rising up form the bed. When he reached the door he turned around one more time.

"I'm happy for you as well", Paul said. Then he disappeard through the door.

Richard let himself fall back against his matress and crossed his hands behind his head, staring up at the white ceiling. He wasn't able to stop himself from smiling.

__________________________

"Here's your lunch", Paul said when carrying the tray of food into the room. Richard war still laying on his bed like before, staring at the ceiling. He got up slowely and moved to the table where Paul had put his food on.

"Spaetzle and sauce? Again?", Richard murmured in annoyance when sitting down.

"This is no restaurant, Reesh", Paul laughed and placed a little kiss on Richards head. "Eat it all up and you will get dessert as well."

"Haha", Richard laughed with no humor in his voice which made Paul laugh again. Then the other man disappeared through the door.

Richard wasn't really hungry but he forced himself to take a couple of bites. He knew Paul would start to worry if Richard didn't eat enough. Thinking about that Richard had to smile once more. Paul really could be cute when he started worrying about Richard.

Richard had just finished half of his lunch when there was a knock on his door. Richard looked up in confusion. It was way too early for Paul to take away the dirty dishes. When the door was opened and Richard realised who his visitor was, he felt his stomach turn upside down and his face became hard as a stone.

Lorenz. The guy who selled him Crack. The guy who blackmailed him. The guy who was partly responsible for Richard being on special supervision for weeks. The guy who betrayed Paul even though he was considered a longtime friend. Richard felt anger rising in his stomach when he stood up from his chair and turned towards that skinny fucker he hated so much.

Lorenz quietly closed the door behind himself and turned towards Richard as well.

"It's good to see you again, Richard", Lorenz said casually. Richard stayed silent, waiting.

"How are you? I've heard you've being moved to special supervision some time ago. Isn't that a pity?" Lorenz' voice was so calm and normal that it sounded so provocating to Richard's ears. He clenched his jaw and his hands turned into fists. He was really struggeling not to do or say anything he would possibly regret later on.

"Not very talkative as I see. Well, I have to talk to you about some serious matters anyway, so listen", Lorenz continued. "As you know, our deal didn't work out last time. You got your Crack and I'm still waiting for the keys. You're still in this, you know that right?"

Lorenz made a little pause before continuing: "I still need those keys to get the medicamentation. That's all I want from you. So you need to find a way to get those keys and I don't care how the hell you do it. Understand?"

Richards knuckles turned white: "I don't know what you're talking about."

Lorenz face stayed passive: "You don't? Then let me help you", he started and took a couple of steps closer to Richard.

"If you refuse to do your part I'm going to talk to the headmaster and I'm going to tell him I found Crack in your pockets again. You know I have enough of that stuff to sacrifice some. I'm going to make sure you're never going to get out of this room again if you don't cooperate. You've brought this on yourself, you little junkie. Do you now know what I'm talking about?"

Richard felt unconrollable anger rising inside of him. He wouldn't let this happen. He wouldn't let this pathetic piece of shit threaten or blackmail him again. Not now when everything started to turn into the right direction for Richard. There was no chance for him doing such thing. Never.

"Who do you think you are?" Richard hissed out and came a little closer still, stopping right in front of the skinny man. He lowered his voice before continuing:

"You're Pauls friend. You both know each other a very long time, right? And now you're here, betraying your own friend like this? Really, who do you think you are? How can a person be as disgusting as you are?"

Lorenz raised his eyebrows: "I see you've talked a lot to each other. What is it going on between you two? Don't tell me you fell in love with little Paulie? That's too sweet."

Now Lorenz was grinning maliciously. Richard felt fire runniing through his veins. If this guy was going to say one more wrong word...

"But it doesn't matter anyway. We all have our own ways to finance our lifes. The drug dealing in here works better than in any other place, you know? Junkies are all the same. Paul is an idiot to think that someone like you could ever change. I know you are going to do as I say anyway, you are going to get those keys and you are going to betray Paul too because this is no fairy tail. This is real life. And if you're having trouble to get those keys then why don't you just suck his dick, huh? Quid pro quo? I'm sure that little faggot Paul would like it as m-"

Richard swung his fist before he was able to control himself.

"You goddamn bastard!", Richard yelled in anger when his fist made contact with Lorenz' nose. Lorenz screamed in pain and stumbled some steps back before collapsing against the wall behind him.

Richard was ready to beat the living shit out of this glasses wearing bastard for the things he said about Paul when the door to his room suddenly opened. Richard freezed when looking into said man's shocked face. Paul looked from Richard to Lorenz, back to Richard and then Lorenz again before finally fixating his eyes on Richard. Realisation about this situation seemed to hit Paul in that moment.

"Richard, what are you doing?"; Paul asked in utter shock.

Richard wasn't able to answer and instead had to watch Paul kneeling down next to this sad sack of shit, putting his hand on his so called friend's shoulder.

"Are you alright, Flake?", Paul asked. Hearing the conserned tone to his voice made Richard want to throw up. How could he think that this guy ever was a real friend?

"I'm alright", Lorenz answered and looked up at Richard. Lorenz' nose was bleeding like a waterfall, his nose most likely broken. Still it didn't satisfy Richard. If he was going to get into trouble now anyway, he would like to demolish this asshole's face a lot more.

"Richard, what did you do?", Paul asked, slowely standing up again. He didn't sound angry but merely desperate like he didn't want all of this to be true.

When Richard still didn't speak up, Lorenz suddenly started talking: "I've found Crack in his pockets and when I said I was going to talk to the headmaster about it, he punched me in the face."

Richards eyes widened in shock. This guy had Crack with him the whole time, only to save his own fucking ass if necessary and to get Richard into trouble at the same time. Why didn't Richard think about this possibility earlier? Now he really was screwed.

Paul looked at the package of Crack with the exact same wide eyes as Richard and then slowly turned around again.

"That's not true", he whispered. "Tell me that this is not true, Reesh", he pleaded with Richard, deeply looking into the other man's eyes.

Richard again balled his hands into fists. He desperately wanted to tell Paul the truth, tell him what kind of person his so called 'friend' Flake was. But Richard didn't think Paul would believe him. His word against the word of a person who Paul considered a good friend. It was obvious to Richard that he had lost this battle. Again.

When Richard didn't answer Paul took a couple steps forward.

"Reesh?", he asked again and laid his hand upon Richards shoulder but Richard quickly shrugged him off. He was furious.

"Fuck you, Paul!", Richard exploded. He really wasn't mad at Paul, he was mad at Lorenz, mad at himself, mad at the whole fucking world. Paul was maybe the only person he wasn't angry at but he couldn't control himself. All his anger and frustration just hit the wrong person right now. And Richard just wasn't able to stop himself.

"You don't understand, damn it. You don't unterstand one fucking thing so just go and fuck yourself, Paul!", Richard yelled.

Paul moved back some inches and Richard saw the hurt in Pauls eyes. And he wasn't able to apologize. He could practically see his whole life going down hill again from here.

...

Then all happened rather quickly. Richard was brought to the headmasters office by two other nurses and when Richard choose not to utter out a single word the disicion of the headmaster about what was about to happen now was pretty obvious.

Richard had to stay on special supervision some more weeks, which meant he wasn't able to return to his old room like he thought that morning. Also the full time Richard would have to stay in rehab was extended because of this incident. He most likely wouldn't be allowed to talk to Till over the phone anymore and he also wouldn't be able to see his daughter for quite some time too because now Richard was considered being dangerous, given the fact that he had attacked a security guard. Nobody knew what kind of person Lorenz was and what he did behind everyone's back. And as much as Richard wanted to, he just wasn't able to say one goddamn word. He was mute again. Like on his first few days in rehab.

When Richard was brought back into his room he felt numb. On his way he passed Paul and when he met his eyes for just one second, Richard still couldn't see any sings of anger, only sadness and this was more hurtful to Richard than anything else. It literally felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest alive. The sound of the door to his room being closed and locked behind him sounded deafening to his ears. He was alone again. All alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can imagine you're confused with the outcome of this chapter but it will eventually make sense to you with the following chapters. I hope so at least.  
> Talking about chapters, I think there's going to be 20 of them when the story's finished but that's just a vague idea. Thought I might just add this information.  
> Blah, blah, blah ... okay bye, have a great day!


	13. Escaping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter! Wohooo!  
> Please enjoy!

"Please talk to me, Reesh. You can't just carry on like this", Paul was practically begging now in desperation to get through to the other man but he wasn't successful.

Richard sat on his bed just like he had for six days in a row now after the incident with Lorenz had accured. He didn't feel like doing anything. Again. He didn't feel like talking to anyone. Again. It was a mixture of anger and shame Richard felt towards Paul after everything that has happend since they got to know each other. Richard really was trying to be a better person and to change who he was just like Dr. Schneider had once advised when Richard had first decided to talk to him. But everytime Richard tried to do something good he felt like some bad event followed automatically right after to pull him down again. And he was sick of it. He was sick of everything.

So Richard just sat there for six days now, not talking and not doing anything. He just ate enough of his meals that nurses wouldn't start to force-feed him. But the more he started to act numb outwardly, the more all the feelings Richard carried inside of him went crazy. All the different issues he had to deal with at the same time: Akerlund, his daughter, Lorenz, Till, Paul and most of all, himself. It all seemed to get way to much to handle for him.

And Richard still felt far from cured in anyway. With each passing day or even each passing hour he felt the need to take some drugs to numb his inner turmoil and it became more and more unbearable. He wanted a line of cocaine. Or a joint. Or at least some alcohol to get himself drunk. Maybe he could just die from choking on his own vomit then. A fitting way for him to die. Dirty, undignified, alone. 'Those words could even become the title of my own autobiography', Richard thought humorless.

"Richard, please. You're not listening to me. Please listen. Please say something. Anything." 

Pauls desperate voice brought Richard back to reality. The other man had just brought him his lunch and was trying to engage him in some sort of conversation like Paul has been trying to do the last six days. And Richard just carried on ignoring him just like he did those past six days. 

Of course, he still had the feeling he wanted to talk to Paul. Honestly, Richard desperately wanted to talk to Paul, admit all the sins he had commited in his life and then ask the other man for forgiveness. But then again, Richard didn't find any strength or energy left inside of him to have that conversation. Or maybe he was just scared. What would Paul possibly think of him if he knew everything there was to know about Richard? Of course Paul had told him about his own story, how he was a junkie and had lost his friend in that process in a very cruel way but still Richard couldn't imagine the other man understanding Richards situation or his life. Why Richard choose to do certain things that led him ultimately being locked up in rehab. 

Nobody ever understood Richard in his whole life, not his parents, not his siblings, not his lovers nor his friends. Maybe Till did, but even his best friend sometimes struggled to understand. Nobody really was there. Nobody.

"Reesh", Paul tried once more, now stettling beside Richard on his bed and trying to make eye contact with the other man, failing to do so. "Don't you see that I'm trying to help? I don't judge you for what has happened, I was a junkie myself and I know how hard it is. And because I experienced it myself I know how important it is for you to talk about it. You've stopped talking to Dr. Schneider, Reesh. You once promised you'd do everything you could do to ensure you'd get better but you don't do it. You just shut yourself in and I hate it. I really do hate it, Reesh."

Richard just closed his eyes and turned his head away from Paul. He knew the other man was right but Paul being right wasn't in any way helpful right now.  
'Just leave me alone already. Please, Paul. Please, I'm not worth your time', Richard thought silently.

"You need to talk about it or it's gonna kill you, Reesh. Please don't do this. Think about your daughter. She needs you. You know that. You gotta fight for her."

'Stop. Please stop', Richard thought desperately but managed to stay passive outwardly nonetheless.

Paul once again skitted closer to Richard and put his arm around his shoulder, leaving a small kiss on his cheek. "Please don't do this to me. You can't... you don't even... you don't understand what this is doing to me", Paul started mumbling in a trembling voice that sounded so utterly sad and hopeless it filled Richards body with a new wave of shame. Why can't Paul just stop talking like that? Couldn't he see he was just making it all the worse for Richard?

Paul turned his body towards Richard and pulled the other man in a crushing hug. Richard didn't resist but didn't return it either.

"I know you're trying to get rid of me. You hope that one day I'm just gonna give up on you and then you're going to blame yourself on it but that's not gonna happen. I'll be there for you and I will fight for you. No matter what, Reesh. I'll be with you. Always."

After that Paul left one last kiss on Richards cheek and then he looked at Richard intently, something in his eyes Richard couldn't quite put his finger around. Then Paul stood up from his place besides Richard and left the room without another word.

Richard really started worrying about Paul. Of course it was flattering of the other man to care so much about him and promise such big things as to always be with him but Paul really seemed to be so emotionally attached to what Richard was going through it didn't seem to be healthy anymore. Richard hoped the other man could just stop caring so much before Paul would possibly destroy himself. Richard didn't want his miserable life to be responsible for Paul to feel bad or sad or guilty. No, he didn't want that to happen. It had to stop somehow. Richard was not worth it. It was all so wrong.

'If I could just disappear and never come back it would be the best for everyone', Richard thought silently to himself and sighed, looking out of the window once more.

____________________________

 

In the late afternoon the door to Richards room opened and nurse Riedel stepped in. "It's your time for the yard", he said and Richard couldn't help but frown slightly. Ever since Richard was on special supervision it's always been Paul who had accompanied him outside for his break so it was slightly confusing to Richard why Riedel did the job on this day.

Riedel of course catched the confused look on Richards face and understood without asking: "Paul is otherwise occupied right now so he asked me to do his job for today."

Richard just nodded and felt a little uncomfortable with this man seeing right through him. He didn't like the thought of someone else knowing how much Paul really meant to him and how much Richard really was thinking about the other man. But maybe Richard was just being a little paranoid right now and worrying to much about nonsense.

Richard followed Riedel through the corridors out to the yard where the two of them stood in one corner. Normally Paul always tried to start some sort of conversation when he was with Richard and even though, at least for the last couple of days, Richard hadn't said a word in return to the other man it still felt awkward somehow not to hear Paul's voice right now. It's funny how you get used to certain things quickly, starting to take them for granted or even get annoyed with it and then, as soon as things stop, even it's just for one day, you instantly feel like something is missing. Richard just shook head. This is ridiculous', he thought to himself.

The one thing Richard liked about this Riedel guy without really knowing anything about him apart from the fact that he was a friend of Paul was that Riedel didn't try to talk and strike up some awkward smalltalk when there was no need to. Richard felt oddly thankful towards the other man for that habit. So even though Richard kind of missed Pauls constant chattering Richard was still thankful to have some peace and silence right now.

When Richard let his eyes wander around the yard he suddenly saw something that catched his interest. There was a high fence all around the yard securing the rehab center from the outside world and the door to the fence normally were closed and locked of course. But for some reason one of those doors was standing open today. A big white jeep with a logo on it that Richard didn't recognize was parking in front of the door outside on the street and when Richard observed the scene in front of him he realised there were two workers that were carrying some cardboard boxes into the building. And Richard couldn't stop a crazy idea floating his mind, very risky but way too tempting to ignore. So, out of an impulse, Richard just decided to jump right into action.

Richard threw a glance at Riedel who was standing by his side. The man didn't seem distracted from his job but didn't seem to pay quite as much attention to anything in particular as well. There was no reason for Riedel to be alert right now since he didn't seem to notice there was a door to the fence standing wide open. Richard took a quiet breath and very inconspicuously stepped three little steps away from Riedel to create some space between himself and his watchdog.

Then Richard started concentrating on the workers in front of the open door that could lead him so easily into freedom. Richard knew he had only one chance and even though this all was happening very randomly and of a maybe very naive impulse right now Richard was determined to make the most of it. He watched the workers outside carrying the boxes inside and waited until both of them were out of his sight. He then started to inwardly count until they appeared again and realised they were gone for 64 seconds.

Richard took a silent breath again and waited for those workers to disappear into the building once more and then he started inwardly counting to 25 so those workers would be the farest away from him as possible. Then Richard acted really fast.

Richard quickly turned sideways towards Riedel who still didn't seem to have the slightest clue about what was going on and then Richard used all his physical strength to push the other man as far away from him as possible. Richard only managed to catch a small glimpse of Riedels unexpecting face and saw him stumble some steps backwards thanks to the moment of surprise beford Richard very quickly turned on his heels and started running.

He made the couple meters to the door of the fence in no time and right at the moment Richard ran through the door out on the street he heard the loud sound of a whistle behind him which was most likely Riedel, who recovered from the shock and was now trying warning his collegues about the emergency. Now Richard really had to be quick.

"Stop!", Richard heard somebody yell behind him when he was already running down the street but he didn't have time to turn around and see who and how many were following him. He had to run as fast as humanly possible and find somewhere to hide because they would most likely start following him with cars very soon and then Richard wouldn't have chance to escape anymore anyway. 'They won't catch me', was all Richard thought in that moment. 'They can't.'

So Richard continued running into the city, the yelling voices behind his back chasing him. Richard started scanning his sorroundings, looking for any place he could possible hide and when he saw his save haven he didn't hesitate. He started running even faster with his lungs starting to burn from the effort, towards the Hasenheide, the big park Richard realised wasn't that far away from the rehab center. The secluded bushes and trees where perfect for his hiding purposes and when running onto the grass Richard also realised it was starting to get dark which was good because it would make it even harder for his chasers to find him in this park.

In full speed Richard started running along some bushes and trees and when he realised the yelling behind him had decreased a bit he turned his head around for the first time since he started running. He could see two or three men following behind him on his tracks like 20 metres away from him. 'That's enough', Richard thought and quickly took a turn into an even more secluded and vegetated area of the park and kept on running like his life depended on it. Only when Richard didn't hear any shouting behind his back anymore he decided to take the chance and jumped into a big bush by the side and hid there, waiting for anyone to catch up with him.

Richard tried to keep his ragged breathing under controll and ignore that fact that some of the branches were scratching and sticking uncomfortably into his skin. He just kept quiet and listened intently for any more yelling and looked for anyone coming his way. Richard was waiting for maybe half an hour and watched ordinary people walk by but nobody who seemed to be looking for him. Only then Richard felt safe that his chasers had lost track of him he felt safe to crawl out of the bush he was hiding in. When standing upright again Richard once more looked around but realised, he couldn't see far enough to recognize anyone because it had gotten too dark now. But since he didn't hear anyone approaching either Richard sighed in relief. He made it. He escaped. At least for now.

Richards thoughts began to run wild. What should he do now? They would search for him. They have probably called the cops already.

'Damn!', Richard thought to himself. 'Damn I couldn't plan on doing this.' So now Richard had to think and act quick. The forced himself not to spend any thoughts on Paul and what the other man would possibly have to say about this sitation. 'Focus!', Richard warned himself.

When Richard looked down at himself he realised what his biggest problem was. His clothes. He was still wearing the white rehab clothing and even a blind person would recognize him instantly in that outfit and right now, Richard didn't have anything to change into.

"Fuck", Richard muttured to himself silently but then came up with an idea really quick. He didn't like it but it was the only thing Richard could possibly do at the moment.

He took a thick branch he found laying on the ground and then hid behind a big tree, waiting. The first two people crossing Richard's way were women so he let them pass and then, finally there was a man coming by, a man that even seemed to be Richard's size as it happend. Richard waited for the man passing the tree that he was hiding at and when the oblivious person had turned his back towards Richard he quickly jumped out of his hiding place and hit the man with the branch, right across the back of his head. This action didn't fail it's effect: The man moaned silently in pain and then fell to the ground unconscious.

Richard cringed inside when doing this but tried hard to pull himself together and just do what was necessary for him to do right now. So he took the stranger by his shoulders, pulling him quickly and silently behind the tree. Then Richard started stripping this man out of his clothings and afterwards stripped out of his own clothes. Richard put on the man's black jeans and black hoodie and felt instantly relieved to wear normal clothes after such a long time in rehab again.

Crouching down next to the man he had just attacked, Richard checked if the man was bleeding from his head and was pleased to find nothing but a big bulge on the back of the man's head. 'Thank god!', Richard thought silently to himself and then thought about what he should do. He couldn't let this man just lay here and probably freeze to death in the cold. Then, an idea popped into his mind and Richard quickly decided to go with it.

Richard walked away some meters and hid behind another tree before he started yelling loudly: "Help! Help!" Richard waited for a couple of seconds and then, luckily he saw two people walking his way, stumbling across the unconscious man. When Richard saw those two people were starting to take care of that man Richard felt hugely relieved and then he slowly backed away from the scene, quickly and quietly leaving this crime scene without getting noticed by anyone. Richard really hoped this man wasn't injured too badly and people would be able to help him getting better quickly. But Richard couldn't dwell on those thoughts for too long because really, Richard had other things to worry about right now.

Richard stuffed the clinic clothing under his hoodie, hiding it there. Richard felt it was saver to take it with him than having the cops find it with an unconscious and naked man. They would maybe realise it was Richard and then, if the man woke up they would know what kind of clothing Richard was now wearing and maybe find him easier. It felt saver to take them with him.

When walking out of the park onto the street again, Richard tried to cover up his face the the cap of his hoodie, just in case any police car would drive by so they wouldn't recognize his face right away. Situations like this, when Richard had to be careful not to be seen, sadly were nothing new to him.

While walking Richard tried to think about a place he could use as a hideout. He couldn't go home because the cops would most likely monitor his place now and Richard also didn't think it was a good idea to visit Till under this circumstances. But then a thought popped up into Richards head. Maybe Akerlund would find out Richard escaped rehab and if he did and didn't know where Richard was hiding he would probably go completely crazy and may really harm his daughter. Thinking about that Richard shuddered in fear and quickly decided where to go: To his ex-girlfiend's place. Richard had to take Khira with him. For savety.

Richard didn't hesitate, walking as fast as he could without having to run and gain any unwanted attention. He really had no more time to waste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got the feeling this story is starting to get kind of random in it's plot hahaha. But honestly, it's happening for a reason.  
> The way Richards escapes also might seem kind of unrealistic but that's how I wanted it to happen and it's fiction anyway so yeah... I still had fun writing this chapter lol.  
> Have a great day!


	14. On The Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter. Hope you enjoy!

It couldn't have been more than twenty minutes until Richard had reached his destination. His ex-girlfriend's apartment block was shadowed in the dark of the night and looked a little spooky. Maybe that was because of the special circumstances Richard currently was dealing with. In reality Richard broke several laws with what he was doing just now. His ex had an restraining order filed against him after he was sent to rehab so Richard couldn't try and get close to her and his little daughter. So the fact that Paul was able to convince this woman of letting him see Khira was a massive surprise to Richard for so many reasons. What Paul would possibly think of what Richard was doing...

Richard shook his head trying to get those thoughts out of his mind while slowly and carefully walking closer to the entrance of the building.  
'Stop thinking about this stuff', Richard thought to himself. 'I can't get distracted from what's important right now.'

Richard silently opened the front door to the building, happy to realise it was totally quiet inside. Most people were probably in bed already since it was the middle of week and normal people would be working early tomorrow. Richard decided to climb up the stairs to the third floor, where his girlfriends apartment was at, because he worried about the elevator might waking up somebody. From the time he was dating this woman he knew the elevator tended to be very loud at times. At least the light inside the building didn't work automatically so Richard could turn it off. Although admittetly this made it harder getting up the stairs Richard did feel saver in the dark at the moment.

When Richard reached the third floor and quietly stept up to his ex-girlfriend's apartment door he took a moment to press his ear to the wooden barrier. He listened closely for noises from the inside. As there were none Richard assumed Sabrina must have had gone to sleep already like most of the people in the building. He threw another glance past his shoulder and saw that there was nobody watching him. Richard then slowly bend down, looking for the spare key that he knew Sabrina always hid under the carpet there in case she would forget her keys to the apartment. Richard was relieved when he found the spare key at it's usual place.

He then started to slowly open the door while trying to make as little sound as possibly and succeding to do so. He quietly stepped into the apartment and silently closed the door behind himself. Luckily Richard was still very familiar with this apartment so even in the dark he knew where to find his daughter's bedroom. On the way he quietly stopped by Sabrina's, realising she was sleeping there obliviousely.

When Richard carefully stepped into Khiras room, he found his little angel tucked up into her bed, wrapped inside her blankets like a little burrito. She had one of her stuffed animals, an elephant, pressed close to her. Also there was a night light in one corner of the room since Khira was scared to sleep in the dark. She always complained about not being able to notice monsters might coming out of the closet to get her if the room was too dark for her to see. Richard had to smile a little bit when thinking about her sweetness.

It was weird how everything seemed to be so normal inside this apartment, so ordinary, even though Richards life was anything but normal right now. And suddenly, when looking into his daughter's peaceful face almost hidden in the dark, Richard felt some uneasiness about his plans and the things he was trying to do.

Richard carefully sat down next to his daugher, trying not to make the bed dip too much under his weight. Luckily, Khira only stirred a bit, turning her head into his direction in sleep and then stilled again. Richard probably spent five to ten minutes just sitting there and thinking. And then he came to the conclusion that what he wanted to do wasn't whar was savest for his daugher. Even though he really liked the thought of her being near him all the time Richard had to face the facts. He had no home, no money, no nothing at the moment. He was being chased by the cops and some lunatic-drug dealers and the latter would might try and kill his daughter as well as Richard if they found them. And Richard alone couldn't protect his little girl from all of them. It was not save for her. No, savest for her would be staying here, inside this apartment, where she could and would be protected.

Also Richard realised that Till wasn't enough for the protection of his daughter, just like Richard wouldn't be able to handle this situation on his own and just like his friend had told him since day one. Richard felt a slight pang of regret for getting his best friend even into this horrible situation of having to deal with this bullshit all by himself but again, he tried to shake it all off for the moment. 

He stood up from his daughter's bed, walking over to the little desk of her room where the night light was the only source of light. He took one of the many pieces of paper that were lying around there along with a pen and started writing about Akerlund, the threats and everything involved. When finished he took the piece of paper with him and quietly left Khiras room, walking over to his ex-girlfriend's. Richard quietly walked in, putting the piece of paper on her nightstand for her to read in the morning. He shortly watched Sabrinas sleeping figure and Richard wasn't surprised that he wasn't able to find even the slightest bit of affection left for her, inside him. She had taken him through hell. But still, Richard knew Sabrina loved their daughter just as much as he did and that she'd do everything to keep Khira save. It was a smart decision to let her know about Akerlund so she would be alert in future. Maybe Richard should have told her about it all much sooner. As more people were looking out for Khira, the better. Even though Richard hated to admit it, he did trust Sabrina with Khira. Richard sighed quietly, feeling defeated.

When looking down at the nightstand once more Richard noticed the keys to Sabrinas car there. Hesitating a moment he then decided to take them with him. He could use a car and he had already broken so many laws by now that stealing his ex-girlfriend's car didn't seem to matter anymore. Luckily the rustling of the car keys didn't wake her. In the fit of the moment Richard decided to also take the bills out of her purse, knowing he'd need the money. Then Richard quietly left Sabrinas room, walking back to his daughters room again.

Richard took another moment to look down at Khira. He very carefully patted her head and placed a little kiss on her forehead. Then Richard quietly took one of the paintings, that where scattered all across his daughter's desk, with him. In the dim light Richard thought he could recognize some trees and clouds but he wasn't sure. Not that it mattered. He just wanted to take something of his daughter with him so it would remind him of her.

When Richard walked out of the room, he lingered in the doorway for a moment longer, looking back at Khira. His mind was so full of shit right now, Richard didn't know what to think anymore. He just hoped it wouldn't turn out as a big mistake to leave her in the care of her mother. But he convinced himself it was for the best, as much as he really, really hated it. At least Till would be looking out for Khira too and he was the one Richard trusted the most. Till knew what he was doing, Richard was sure.

"I love you, angel", Richard whispered quietly, knowing full well his little daughter wasn't able to hear him.

__________________________

 

When Richard walked out of the entrace of the apartment block a couple of minutes later he again looked around to see if there was anyone following him. Given the fact that it was dark and there were only a couple of lampposts to light up the street, Richard wasn't very succesful in spotting anything at all but at least he didn't see any shadows lingering nearby. Richard very quickly crossed the street, over to the parking lot of the building and was able to find his ex-girlfriends car rather quickly. He took a seat behind the driving wheel, throwing the cash and the painting he had taken with him on the passanger seat and then he quickly drove away. Now that he was out of the apartment Richard felt like he couldn't put distance between his daughter and himself quickly enough. It was better to get out of Khiras life as fast as he could now since he only caused trouble to everybody he held dear anyway. As much as he tried not to, he always did. And somehow Richard had this feeling in his guts that he was doing just that right now. Again. And he choose to ignore this feeling, concentrating of what seemed to be the most logical decision. Again.

Richard drove as fast as he could without being forced to pull over at some point. He fled. He fled from his own life. He fled from himself. And Richard denied himself to recognize that, focusing on different thoughts. He already knew a place he could use to hideout for some time.

Richard stopped only once at a gas station to refuel and to buy two bottles of wodka, paying with the 60 DM he had taken from Sabrina. Then he continued driving, leaving Berlin behind, heading towards Brandenburg and hoping he would reach his destination before the sun would rise in the morning. While driving Richard constantly checked the rearview mirror to look out for any cars following him and was relieved when nothing of that sort happened. Still, when Richard reached Potsdam he parked his ex-girlfriends car far away from the place he would actually go hiding. As soon as the cops would find the car, Richard knew they would scan every meter for him in the surrounding area. So Richard left the car in a parking lot in front of a supermarket, leaving the key stuck in the door. He didn't really care if anyone would steal it. Maybe it would even be better if somebody did because then the cops would need much more time to eventually find the car.

With the cap of his black hoodie over his head in an attempt to hide his face as best as he could, Richard reached the outskirts of Potsdam when the sun slowly started to rise above him. He quickly walked into the Babelsberger Wald, trying to get invisible between the trees, branches and leafs around him. He loved this part of Germany even more than he loved Berlin. It was so quiet and peaceful here and Richard used to come here every now and then in a time of his life when his world was still whole and carefree.

It took him some more time to reach the place he was looking for, deep inside the little forest in the middle of Potsdam. Now Richard was kind of happy that the sun was out because in the dark he would have most likely stumbled over some roots along the way maybe a dozen times and would have broken the bottles of Wodka he was carrying in his hand in the process.

When Richard finally saw the cottage appearing between the trees he felt huge relief wash over him and he sighed out loudly. He walked a little faster and now seemed to reach the cottage in notime. He has known this place for a long time and had never talked to anyone about it, not even Till. The cottage had been build by a ranger some time ago but was not being used for some years now and therefore empty. Some years ago when he was younger Richard had visited this place every now and then when he really wanted to be alone. It was a save heaven for now.

When Richard entered to cottage he looked around the little room. The bed, the little table with two chairs at it, the fireplace - it was all there just like Richard remembered. It also didn't seem like anyone else has been here since the last time Richard had and even though Richard has expected as much he still felt relieved.

Richard put Khiras painting and the two bottles of Wodka on the table, throwing the ramaining 11 DM next to it and then sitting down on one of the chairs at the table. Now, being save inside this cottage, Richard felt tiredness filling his senses and his eyeslids getting heavier with every passing second. Still, Richard refused to go to sleep. Not at daytime. Maybe not even at nighttime. Of course Richard wouldn't be able to stay awake forever but he had to choose his resting times carefully and so he decided to stay awake for now. He had to stay alert.

Sighing, Richard opened one of his bottles, taking a big sip of Wodka right out of it. Even though it wasn't near as good as cocaine was, it was still good to feel the liquid burning down his throat and filling his stomach with warmth instantly. Richard sighed again, keeping a hold of the bottle while looking out of the only window of the cottage, watching the forest outside.

Loneliness started to creep its way through his skin right into his soul. What could he possibly do with himself now? There was now nothing and nobody left in his life. Nothing. Richard took another big sip of Wodka in an attempt to wash those feelings away. It did nothing.

'Paul', he caught himself thinking, getting more and more depressed by the minute. 'Where are you?'

Nothing. Another sip. And again nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DM - Deutsche Mark (German currency before the Euro)  
> Brandenburg - One of the 16 Bundesländer (states) of Germany (Brandenburg is surrounding Berlin and Potsdam is the capital of Brandenburg)  
> Babelsberger Wald - Forrest of Babelsberg (Babelsberg is a district of Potsdam, a very beautiful district I might add)
> 
> I'm really excited about the incoming music video. Saw the photos on Instagram and it made me sooo curious. I can't wait to see it and finally listen to new Rammstein music. It's been too long.  
> Have a great day!


	15. He took her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me long enough, right? But I'm back now. I didn't have much time writing this chapter so I hope the grammar isn't too bad.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Richard lasted for two days. Two days until the bottles of Wodka were emptied to it's last droplets and then Richard reluctantly decided to go into the city to buy another one with the remaining money he had. Of course he knew it was risky but there wasn't much he could do about it. There was no way he could stand sitting alone in a cabin in the woods with nothing to do and no alcohol around for distraction.

Right now Richard was on his way back into the woods, carrying an opened bottle of Whiskey in one hand. The cap of his hoodie covered a good part of his face as always and he tried to be as careful as possible, which wasn't easy given the fact that Richard was drunk already and had some difficulties to keep his balance.

It was only when he had nearly reached the cabin that he heard a cracking noise behind him, like someone accidently stepped on a dry branch or something. Richard was startled by that noise and felt his blood freeze cold inside his veins. He immediatly reached inside the pocket of his pants, taking hold of the knife he had found in the cabin and that he always carried with him ever since. His other hand tightened the grip around the bottle, ready to use it as a weapon too.

Richard squinted his eyes. It was dark because he didn't want to leave the cabin at daylight so Richard had a hard time observing the area around him.

A couple of tense seconds passed until Richard heard a familiar voice: "Reesh?"

"P- Paul?", Richard whispered in the dark and jumped a bit when he finally saw a shadow appearing out of the dark. He didn't lose his grip on the knife though, still uncertain if that was some sort of trick. There was no way that this was Paul. How could he have known where to find him? That was impossible!

The figure seemed to sense that uncertainty radiating from Richard so it slowly came to an halt a couple of feet in front of him. Richard still couldn't indentify the face but then the person started talking again.

"Calm down, Reesh. It's me, you know it." Although his voice was quiet Richard was able to understand every word that he said. The woods around him seemed to have quieten.

Then the figure in front of him moved again and Richard didn't step back. His brain was fuzzy from the alcohol, maybe that's the reason why he wasn't able to really think about the things that were happening right now. Before Richard knew it, the figure stood right in front of him and finally he was able to recognize Pauls face. It really was him.

"Paul?", Richard whispered stupidially once more. He wasn't able to form any other word apart from the other man's name. What was he doing here? How did he got here? Just... What the fuck?

Richard jumped in surprise when he felt Pauls hand taking a hold of his upper arm. He tried to shake him off but Paul only tightened his grip, making it impossible for Richard to get away. Richard was too drunk at the moment to fight Paul off.

"Reesh, you need to come with me", Paul said. There was some strange heaviness in his voice that Richard didn't understand. What... Where... Why... What?

When Richard didn't react Paul started tugging at Richards arm in an attempt to drag him along but Richard only stumbled forward at that and would have fallen onto the ground if it wasn't for Paul to catch him in his arms.

"Paul... I... What's happening?", Richard murmured when he grapped Pauls shoulders to straighten himself again.

Paul didn't answer: "No quiestions, come with me now." He grapped Richard by his arm again and dragged him forward, not caring about the other man stumbling in his tracks. Richard needed a moment to catch up with what was happening. Then he tried to push the other man away but again, it was no use.

"Come with me", Paul urged once more. "Trust me." Those last two words made Richard hesitate. In the months he had known Paul, the other man had never given Richard a real reason for distrusting him. Well, there was the time Paul had taken him to the headmaster and stuff but ... right now, Paul seemed more distressed and tense than Richard had ever experienced the other man being. Somehow, even in his slightly drunken state, Richard knew something very bad was going on. So Richard gave in.

When they reached the streets again Paul literally pushed Richard into the passenger seat of a car, slamming the door shut behind him and then surrounded the vehicle quickly to get behind the steering wheel. Paul started the car without giving Richard the chance to put his seatbelt on so Richard almost knocked himself out when his face hit the dashboard.

"Hell, can't you ... be more careful?", Richard mumbled irritated while trying to regain his posture. Paul didn't answer. After Richard had finally managed to put his seatbelt on, he looked at Paul, observing his face. Even with no light inside Richard was able to see the other man having his jaw clenched tightly. Something really was wrong. Richard tried to collect his thoughts. This was a weird situation, it didn't make any sense...

"What... what is going on?" Richard asked and again Paul didn't answer, he didn't even spare a glance for Richard, like he didn't hear him talking at all. Richard started to feel slightly bothered about the other man's strange behaviour.

"Paul", Richard started once more, trying to talk as clearly as possible. "What happened, where are we going? Tell me... Paul, are you even listening?"

"You're drunk", Paul suddenly said in matter-of-fact-voice.

"No shit, Sherlock", Richard said, annoyed. "But that doesn't answer my goddamn quiestion. What is going on? What the fuck happened?" Richard was beyond pissed when Paul again didn't answer. "I'm gonna jump out of this car if you don't talk to me, asshole!", Richard threatened.

Richard saw Paul tightening his grip around the steering wheel. His knuckles turned white. "This is all your fault", Paul finally said. "Why the fuck did you run away? Why did you fucking do that? It was the stupidest thing you could have possibly done... No, wait. The stupidest thing you did was leaving this fucking note by your girl's bedside. Telling her about those drug dealers... What were you thinking? How can anyone be that stupid?"

The more Paul started to ramble the louder his voice got 'til a point he was near to screaming. This was way too much to take in. Richard literally felt his brain melt inside his head. Just... what?

"How do you know that?", Richard asked surprised.

"Who doesn't know? This girl, this Sabrina... she immediately ran off to the cops the next morning, showing them your note, she -"

"She WHAT?", Richard yelled. Never in his life he had felt sober as quickly as right now. This can't be possible, it couldn't be. Richard had explicitly told her in his note not to tell the cops, explaining what kind of people those dealers were, what kind of person Akerlund was. She didn't...

"She showed your note to the cops", Paul repeated in a raised voice. "All about Akerlund and his henchmen, them threatening your daughter... they know everything, alright?"

"And how do you know that? Cops don't give out that kind of information so easily. How do you know so much about what I wrote in this note?", Richard asked sceptically.

"Till told me everything", Paul simply said.

Richard felt anger boiling up inside of him. He had told Till multiple times to shut up and to never tell Paul anything about that. Why did Till do that? He was the only friend Richard had.

Paul seemed to sense the direction Richards thoughts went because he suddenly said: "Don't you dare blame Till for anything. All he ever did was trying to help you. He put himself into life threatening danger to save your sorry ass. This is on you, Richard."

"What the fuck do you know about it? Just shut up, you little bastard!", Richard shouted, more angry than ever. What was wrong with Paul? What was wrong with Till? What was wrong with his fucking Ex that she thought it was a good idea to tell the cops even with Richard warning her? If Akerlund found out... Richard didn't even want to spend one thought on that possibility.

Paul suddenly hit the brakes, stopping the car all to suddenly. "We're here", he said, stepping out of the car without waiting. Again Richard didn't have a chance to orientate himself before the other man opened his door to his side and dragged him out of the car, along the sidewalk and into a building.

"Where are we?", Richard hissed agrily.

"At my place. Top floor", Paul said and only when they had reached the door to his apartment did Paul let go of Richard. He unlocked the door and stepped into the apartment. The lights were already turned on in there. "Come in", Paul said, throwing his keys onto a table. Richard did follow but then stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a familiar person sitting at the table.

"Till?", Richard said in shock when he looked into the other man's red swollen eyes. Every accusation Richard wanted to throw at his friend got stuck in his throat. Had Till been crying? "What's going on? What's wrong?" God knows how many times Richard has asked this question the last half an hour.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Reesh, I've tried, I've really tried..." Till mumbled while looking up at Richard. Tears were rolling down his cheeks again.

"What? What are you... I don't understand...", Richard stuttered. This situation was absurd to witness. In all the years they have known each other he had never seen Till cry.

"I'm sorry, I've tried", Till repeated.

Richard felt sick in his stomach. "Please... first Paul, now you. You both are starting to freak me out. Please tell me what's wrong, I don't understand."

Till looked up at Paul who was standing beside the table. "Haven't you told him?"

"No, I didn't. I thought it was better to wait until we were here", Paul answered, fixating his glance on Richard. He suddenly didn't look angry anymore, just... tensed. Anxious even.

"Please", Richard repeated. He was running out of words. Could they please just...

"It's Khira", Paul said lowly and Richard felt his body tense immediatley.

"What's with her?", Richard whispered warily. His blood was boiling inside but his skin felt ice cold. Paul and Till kept quiet for a moment and that was the last straw to Richard.

"Stop that shit! Tell me where she is!", Richard yelled and stepped closer. There were more tears running down Tills face and his lips trembled, like he was trying to speak up but wasn't able to.

Paul stepped forward as well, trying his best to sound calm but he did not succeed: "I'm sorry, Reesh. I didn't know about it, it's... Khira is... Akerlund.. he...". Paul took a deep breath and then forced the words to come out of his mouth.

"He took her."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not into this 'please leave a comment'-stuff, but I'd really like to know your opinions on the new single 'Deutschland'. Expecially the message of this song is very interesting I think, so no matter if you're German or not please feel free to tell me about your thoughts in the comment section. And please also let me know what you think about the new sound, I'm very curious. That is only if you want to, of course.  
> Have a great day!


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